I got up around 7am because my mom called me downstairs with a question. She asked if I was going to AA today and I said I would so I chilled out, she made breakfast for us, and then we got ready to go. I drove separately because I had to go to Diego’s to dog sit Poncho.

My mom asked me if I was going to get a sponsor and really participate in the program and I said I wasn’t sure. It was a big book study so the topic was the preface of the big book which talks about the programs history and someone mentioned being lonely and the concept of being with like minded individuals versus being alone with alcohol or other substances. I spoke about halfway through and I was very shaky I’m unsure why. I kind of started out with the fact that loneliness is what brings me to drink, that and boredom. I would rather be here in a meeting with like minded people than alone with temptation haunting me. I said I was new to the program and mentioned what my mom had said to me and I said and kind of decided in that moment that yes I wanted a sponsor and yes I wanted to commit to the program because it’s easier with others than being bitter and alone.

I was eyeing this older lady and I wanted her to sponsor me. I guess she has 40 something years of sobriety. We had talked before the meeting and I told her a little bit about me but I felt called to ask her to help me. I left the meeting right once it was over because I wanted to smoke but I saw her walk to her car and she shouts it was good to meet me and I run to her and ask if she would sponsor me and she said yes and hugged me. She gave me her number and we have texted a bit this afternoon/evening. She invited me to a meeting tomorrow night at 7pm and I said I would be there.

I just feel like God is working through me and the others of this program. I say that because every time I have gone into these meetings, I feel God calling upon me or someone else to speak through/to me. I feel like I give up control and let God do God and I am just His temple of the Holy Spirit. I have never felt like this in my life and it’s… exhilarating.

After the meeting, I went over to Diego’s house and I took care of poncho and he screamed at me on his lunch via phone because I suggested that Poncho shouldn’t live here because he destroyed his dog bed and the couch and the carpet because he is so bored. He can’t be left alone or else he destroys shit. I asked what would be so bad if he went to work on the farm with his dad where he could roam and play with the horses and other farm animals. Diego started with if it’s too hard for me to take care of him then I didn’t have to do it. I said I wanted at the very least gas money to go to and from his house because I live 45. minutes away. After some more arguing, he conceded that he would get me gas money. He hung up because he had to go back to work.

I gathered my things and went home. I did what I had to do for Poncho and whenever I got home he called me on his break and acted like nothing happened. He asked if I was at his house and was surprised when I said I went home. I think he thinks I am spineless towards him and he can just walk all over me. Homie don’t play no games no more. I am willing to help him to help Poncho but if he feels the need to walk all over me, I will not stand it.

I have been in pain from my bladder flare up and my medicine isn’t phasing me. I might need to go to urgent care tomorrow because this has either turned into a kidney stone or a kidney infection. I have never been in so much pain in my life and antibiotics aren’t doing shit. It’s been a good day but my pain is getting unbearable.

I am signing off for the evening but as always, thinking of you and sending all my love your way

Dani