It is 4:20am while I write this and I am listening to my music with my head phones really loud. I haven’t selected a specific genre of music to listen to yet so I have been listening to Spotify on shuffle. I’ve been listening to a lot of older female singer/song writers from the 70s/80s and it’s a vibe.
Part of me wants to go back to sleep but I am not tired at all so what’s the use. Part of me feels like I need to get online and start reading AA books but the other half of me is in denial that I got rid of all my booze and weed. Not so much the booze; I never considered myself much of a drinker but I am low key pissed about the weed… it was about $100 worth of the stuff and I think I am only bitter because I had a bladder illness flare up last night into this morning and had nothing for pain. But like I was saying, I am in denial about this addiction thing. I have problems when I drink for Christ’s sake I got a DUI and paid nine grand in body damage and I walked away with not even a scratch. I can’t say that’s permissible or okay.
I feel like this is where I need to be. I did the right thing yesterday and I don’t regret that. Am I resentful? Why would I be? Doing the right thing isn’t always easy, but it’s always worthwhile as they say. I think I am going through so many changes right now I don’t know where my head is at. I need to get my head out of my ass and start smelling the sunflowers. Next, maybe I will quit smoking nicotine products. And then cut out caffeine. I am going to change, dammit! I am fed up with my own excuses for everything and it’s time I stop lying to people, including myself.
I did a lot of art last night I started out with my sketchbook and used painters tape to create a white edge. Then I grabbed a charcoal stick and started sketching. I would draw, blend, draw, blend, get out my white charcoal. Color in. Color with the black charcoal. Blend. Erase. Blend. Erase. Color. And voila! Art.
Then I switched to my black multiliner pens and drew a stack of books with a lamp along with some quotes. “Mercy triumphs over judgement.” James 2:13. My fingers are stained with charcoal and pen marks after washing my hands three times. I was pretty satisfied to see my work rather than getting fucked up. My mom and I were watching tv in the lair while I did my art and she even picked up one of my reverse coloring books and drew the lines of some flowers and she made it look really good. I am convinced anyone can do art; it’s just in them. It is therapeutic and you just gotta find your medium to use to draw, sketch, paint, whatever. It can be writing, or some other creative measure too! As long as you just do it and practice anyone has the power to get good at anything.
I just don’t know what to do with myself right now. I am alone, I know I have God but I feel alone in regard to human connection. I am sitting in the lair by myself and I feel stuck yet exhilarated. I feel empty yet so full. All I do know is that I can’t keep my hands and mind idle because when I am bored, I am going to do something reckless and stupid. It’s just in my nature. I need to get more hobbies. Something to keep my mind off of all the shit I can’t control. I am learning that I am the least patient person on the planet, I am naturally destructive, and I have no impulse control.
I’m trying to grow up, get my own place, start working, pay off debt, stay sober in all aspects of my life, and get my shit together. I want to be emotionally available for other people and I think I am most excited for meetings through the program because I want to meet like minded individuals who are also trying to make themselves better.
I focus a lot on what I want others to be or not to be and not enough on myself. I literally just had this epiphany that hit me that I am so consumed on what others say, do, think, etc. and not on my own personal autonomy that no wonder I have so few people in my corner! Who cares about anyone else when you are a broken record spinning on repeat.
I got a lot to consider and I better stop writing and start doing.