Finding my rhythm

Photo by Bich Tran on Pexels.com

Finding a schedule to keep when you’re not working is hard because there are obligations I have to fill so I can’t just go awol and not do anything. However, finding a routine or some kind of schedule is difficult because during the weekdays, my appointments for physical therapy switch and I can’t keep up with doing different things at different times.

I have done many daily routines on my blog, but the most effective time method I have used is time blocking. I have a calendar that is hourly, it’s like an appointment calendar for each hour, day, week, and month. I color in a square or rectangular box for the time frame that I have urgent appointments or tasks and that’s all I can do during that time. Like today, I drove to the gym at 9:45am, got there at 10am and was home by 10:45am. So I blocked out that hour so I could do my thirty minute miracle of cardio. The same goes for my 2-3pm appointment for physical therapy. Then in the blank spots of the vertical spread, I block in breaks throughout the day and when I’ll eat and when I’ll do school.

I try to do my appointment time blocking on Mondays or as early in the week as possible for that week only. Same goes for the new month, I do that time blocking as early as possible. But by doing this, I can foreshadow when it would behoove me to take a break or get a chunk of school work done.

I used to be so driven and motivated to do this every day and I used multiple pen colors so each activity was color coded. Now I just use one pen and do a basic rough draft. The point of doing the draft is so I can maneuver things if plans change. I was going to do homework at 5pm after I spent time with my mom, but I needed a nap I was so sleepy. So now it is 8pm… by 9pm latest I will start doing my school work that is due at midnight. I procrastinated today because last night I couldn’t fall asleep and then I woke up before 7am after falling asleep at 2am. I don’t feel as manic as I did yesterday, thank God.

When I am in a hypo manic phase, it’s hard to grasp where my attention will fall and usually its not in a productive way. I got to force or coerce myself to stay focused at a task that benefits me rather than hinder me. Right now, I am listening to Fiona Apple and writing this. It’s not the best use of my time considering I could be studying but in comparison to all the alternatives that I could be doing, this is pretty good.

It’s hard for me to concentrate on things I view as irrelevant. Almost like I have this entitlement that I don’t have to do the things other people do like I am special or something. News flash, I am not. I am going to fail my class if I don’t do any of my history homework. The further I fall behind in that class, the more I don’t want to complete it and feel as though I am not obligated too. It’s a fucked way of thinking but when I am hypo manic I can’t alter my mindset. That’s a reason, not an excuse as Diego would always say…

Some days I just wish there was an end to this bipolar madness. I don’t wish this often but sometimes I wish I could be normal or whatever the hell that means. To focus, and be able to keep and hold onto relationships, not having panic attacks at peoples’ homes for no apparent reason. I just wish someone gets me. In like an emotionally intimate “get me” sort of way. I don’t know what the fuck I am even saying anymore!

I was very proud of myself today I did twenty minutes on the treadmill with incline on high and went as fast as I could without running. I had a good target heart rate and I only took two 30 second breaks after about seven and fifteen minutes respectively so I could hydrate and stretch. I did ten minutes on the recumbent bike at physical therapy and thirty minutes of strength training for my ankle. I iced it when I got home and it feels a little stronger each day thank goodness. I feel hopeful about not needing a fourth foot surgery but it’s still early in the game so I am not going to hold my breath.

Exercising today I think helped with the manic energy that I didn’t know what to do with. Physical activity has always been my favorite outlet ever since I was 18. It’s just an added bonus that I look good too while doing exercise. I wouldn’t say I am fat by any means. I am overweight but aren’t we all? I am slowly improving and that’s all that matters and the progress is something I can feel and can soon see whether it be in the mirror or on the scale.

Ok that’s all I got I will write later or tomorrow.

much love,

Dani

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