I got to see my Ponchie boiiiiii today!!! This is our best of the blurry selfie series that I could take. For the hour that I was there it took every fiber in his little puppy being to stay still.
Diego asked for me to dog sit Poncho the houndy boy because he had to run an errand after he got off work so he would’ve been gone for more than ten hours so around 1 or so I got there. Poncho was at the door kinda moping around and he looked up and he smiled really big and jumped into my arms as I said “hi baby boy! Mommy’s home” in my most shrill dog momma voice.
I started crying I missed him so much. I couldn’t get him to calm down so I just let him jump on me and I would give him all of the pets and all of the lovings. Then I took him potty. Then I gave him ice with his water so he could bob his head for ice like you would normally bob for apples.
I called my mom and said I was happy to see him and that I would spend a few hours in the area.
After about a hour, I went and got lunch so I got fish and chips and a Dutch Bros energy drink, two of my favorite things to get in that area. I went and visited my sister at her work. That went good, she even said that she missed me. Aww! My heart.
After that I went and hung out with the my date from yesterday. I ended up having a panic attack at his house. Luckily I was able to calm down but being in basically a strangers home felt very claustrophobic to me so I went outside to smoke and I came back in as a new person (well at least not as anxious)
I guess it’s hard for me to meet new people and truly be myself because I’m so plagued with bipolar ideologies and rituals; it almost feels like gambling to me.
It feels like gambling to me because when you’re gambling, you’re usually superstitious and have certain rituals you do to make money. I would kind of count cards, watch everyone’s hand at the table. I smoke with my right hand and press the bet buttons with my left. Same with bipolar in the fact that I have rituals.
I sleep with Christmas lights on in my room because I’m afraid I’m going to get raped or molested in the dark because it’s happened to me. I fidget when I can’t act on impulsive thoughts or I have suicidal ideations. I can’t do certain things in my sex life because it recreates the sexual assaults that have happened to me. I am honest, probably too honest as a defense mechanism in order to push people away so I can’t get attached. I can’t articulate my thoughts in conversation due to sensory overload and end up saying things I don’t mean. I’m painfully shy and awkward because I can’t fathom why anyone would like me or like being around me. I try to be on “best behavior” so I don’t trigger someone into not liking me for me. So many people can’t handle those with bipolar and I’m stuck in limbo trying to pass as a normie while also staying true to myself. I despise confrontation and someone asking a simple question feels like an attack and the letters of the alphabet appear as soup and I’m stuck trying to string together words on the spot.
I don’t think I’ve ever discussed this before but these rituals; these feelings… are unnerving. Being in a hypo manic state I can’t make sense of what I feel besides say things like my mind is literally alphabet soup. Maybe I’m grasping a wrong concept for how I feel but I think I have to come to terms that no one will truly understand me.
Being an ennegram 4 mixed with an Aquarius, I am constantly searching for “the one” and I believe in true love and someone will understand the true and real me. I’m not sure how or when that will be but my spontaneity and spunk will inspire those around me and maybe it might encourage someone to ask to go on a date with me. And they will listen and are as empathetic as I am. Now I’m just describing who the one would be for me but I need someone to understand me on an intellectual level and spiritual level. Along with every other level there is.
I’m not sure if and when I will ever find that but I hope I do. I love myself which is not something I could even muster two years ago but now I say it with ease. But I am lonely and I don’t need someone all the time but enough of the time for the loneliness to melt away. I like my independence to write and create and do school but I like coming home and making dinner for my special someone and going to bed. He must be able to stand my obstructive sleep apnea lol.
So I’m gonna leave this here before I get too worked up. Have a wonderful day or night wherever you are 🙂