I feel as though this new month (March) will bring new joy that I need in my life. My mother has decided to write her own story with her struggles with schizophrenia after I asked if she felt like she was living a lie but not telling those closest to her about her personal truth. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I share with everyone about my bipolar disorder because it’s apart of my personal truth. Whether I want to or not is irrelevant. I feel as though those who choose to be in my life should have an opt in or out key that they can press to either be in my life or not. I can be batshit crazy and only ride or dies stay at my side. I don’t want to subject someone to dealing with me if they don’t want to or aren’t prepared to do so.
It kind of flew out of my mouth when I asked if my mom felt like she was living a lie. I felt bad because that’s not something I would normally say to anyone, including my mother. But she wrote a letter to her sponsor about the whole truth of her mental illness and she called her sponsor to warn her and the sponsor thought it was so commendable to share that and she is stronger for it nor is she getting rid of my mom and her friendship.
My mom also started writing about her self in a private notebook. It made me proud of her that she took into consideration what I said and she is living her best life.
Tomorrow I have to take mom to her thyroid biopsy and it is up to the technician if I can go in with her to hold her hand. Hopefully I can be there for my mom and silly COVID protocols don’t get into the way. Still have to drive her no matter what because she’s taking valium before hand. But I am praying that if she does have cancer, God forbid, that it can easily be removed with the biopsy and it won’t cause additional problems. So I hope this turns a page for her and makes her feel healthy after months of mental health and physical health issues.
As for me, I am realizing I am becoming a bit hypomanic. I keep taking my pills, but it’s nice to be free of crippling depression and anxiety, but it takes every fiber of my being not to do something reckless such as gambling, buying a new car, or online shopping for things I don’t need. I was informed that if I gambled, even one dollar, I would be kicked out and then I truly would be homeless which is a petrifying thought to have. Good thing I am not going to gamble and hold onto my year and a half sobriety.
I just want to get a job so I can start saving for my own house. I want to buy a condo or a townhome so I don’t have to do the yard work and I can easily keep up with the inside of the house. Maybe get a dog, I don’t know. The future is bright and I feel good. I am taking today off from school since it’s the very beginning of the school week. I cleaned yesterday and today I went to physical therapy. I was going to go to the gym afterwards but PT kicked my ass I was sweating so bad that I skipped it. I could’ve used it today, but nah. I spent the rest of my afternoon chilling with my mom and I ordered us some pasta and cheesy bread from Dominos. Then I went on a date with someone I met via Tinder. I think it went well and I am looking forward to what may (or may not) come of it.
On that note, I am going to bed because I started this blog at 1pm and it’s now almost 11pm. Good night to all and all a good night!