Today was decent. I went out to lunch with my mom and she got this huge dungeoness crab salad and I got a German pancake and some hash browns. My mom ate the crab, egg, and avocado of her salad so I finished it off in addition to my food. She did go halfsies on my hash browns though. It was delightful.

I asked her what her favorite memory of her and I was and she replied with laying in my bed, making fun of reality tv stars while eating snacks in bed. I liked that one too and I liked how close we became when I got sober off of alcohol and weed and she gave me her sobriety coins. I gave them back to her recently because I am no longer sober, but it was a benchmark in our relationship where it changed infinitely for the better.

I had a doctor’s appointment today and it took fifty minutes to see the provider and during that wait time, my moods must have changed thirty different times from suicidal ideation to anger to sadness to manic. I went to see the orthopedic surgeon today and she said I shouldn’t need another surgery on my foot, thank God. I have to brace it with a special air cast that I have had and go to physical therapy. I have plantar fasciitis and the postibular tendonitis that I had prior to surgery three. I got to follow up next month on the 16th and see where we are at. So not the news I was expecting, but the news I wanted and needed to hear.

I picked up mom’s meds from the pharmacy and came home. I found my ankle brace in my boxes of crap and put it on. Mom and I watched the Real Housewives of New York City from the beginning so we could make fun of it. Now she is reading a medical book while I write. She thinks I am doing homework which I will eventually do, just not right this second.

I have decided I need to see a therapist soon. I have all of the emotions and feelings all the time and it’s really hard to cope without the proper skills to address my bipolar disorder. I haven’t felt symptoms like this since I have been medicated and have stayed on my meds. It’s like 900mg of lithium, 15mg of Abilify, and 40mg of Prozac don’t even phase me even though I take it all twice a day, five pills up, five pills down everyday.

I need to go back to my primary care doctor, but if I can see a therapist who can talk to me and prescribe me meds, that would be excellent. I was looking for online solutions but nothing I found takes insurance; you have to pay like $270 a month out of pocket and right now I don’t have that kind of cash nor do I want to spend it on therapy when it could be cheaper through insurance.

I am going to call for a therapist or counselor tomorrow morning. I would like to be seen as soon as possible, but we shall see. I know it’s not an instantaneous process as much as I need it to be. I have held off on this as long as I can. I need to really be practicing what I preach on this blog, but it’s hard. That’s one of the things I need to work on in therapy; follow through.

I think I’m going to take a break from substances though… I have been drinking and smoking a lot of weed which I am afraid affects my mental health. I was consuming a lot because it was my birthday, but now the celebrations are ceased, so it’s time to get my butt into gear, do homework, and start going to the gym more.

I might go to the gym when I wake up tomorrow morning. I will do my floor exercises at home and go walk on the treadmill at the gym. I have been super self conscious at the gym, I’m not sure why. I am afraid of others judging me and I know this isn’t the case; gym goers don’t give a shit about me. I really need to bring my kickboxing gloves and do so kickboxing at the gym. Not only is it fun, but it kicks my ass. We shall see how tomorrow is and goes.

Much love to you all,

Dani