It’s been a while since I last talked a lot about my mental health or mental health in general. I think I avoid the topic now because it is so hard to talk about. No. Let me rephrase that. It’s not hard to talk about, but it is difficult to find people who understand and can empathize with what I am going through.
I am the type of person (I’ve always been this way) that someone has to listen to me without interrupting and give me their undivided attention in order to feel heard and understood. Diego was notorious for being on his phone while I talked about mundane things like school, work, or chores. He could recite every word I spoke, but I didn’t feel like he cared because he was on his phone.
Most people are conceited and really only care about themselves and their best interests. I mean myself included; my narcissism is probably why I published my blog to begin with, With that being said, it’s hard for me to post about mental health or my mental health because I feel like I’m not being heard. It’s a weird feeling because I have nearly 300 followers on Precarious Aquarius and only a small percent engage with my posts either by liking, viewing, or commenting. I have it stuck in my head that I need to help the world, but when it comes down to it, I can only truly change and help myself.
People come into our journeys for a reason and when we invite them into our lives, we should help those invited and to those who care enough to even bother caring at all. But just because people care, doesn’t mean they are going to care about everything you do.
I figure most people here read my blog for mental health reasons. That or for my humor which is also as great as my mental health advice and escapades. So as a writer and being true to myself with my mental health, I have sort of this obligation to be honest and discuss what my mental health is like. I know I don’t have to post anything online, but I know that people are reading and listening even if they are distracted and don’t give their undivided attention.
So for those of you who are new or just don’t know, I have bipolar two disorder and was diagnosed in 2016 around this time, so six years ago. I take five pills at dawn and five at dusk everyday to function. I have a love/hate relationship with my medicine. I know it substantially saves me every day, but I hate putting meds in my body, they don’t belong there.
However, neurotypical folks rely on their brain chemistry to create the hormones and chemicals they need to survive and even thrive, so why shouldn’t I rely on the same medication to reproduce the chemicals my body cannot create itself?
But on the other hand, lithium tastes gross and makes me gag. Well even capsules do, I’m not sure why. But a little gagging rewarded with a piece of candy for doing good and taking my medicine is better than me going off the rails with suicidal ideation and manic frenzies.
Not to say that these symptoms completely stop even with medication, but the mood stabilizers decrease the symptoms that I had and reduce the severity of them.
I was very suicidal on the 5th and my PTSD was so bad that I used cannabis to help me sleep and calm down. Thinking about the happenings of that day make me shudder and feel paranoid. My paranoia in general along with delusions have been getting worse enough to wonder if I have schizoaffective bipolar disorder instead of bipolar two. I feel as though people are out to get me and I’m always wary of my surroundings. Plus I have been hearing things that I know isn’t real, but I don’t respond to the internal stimuli, even when it is hard not to.
I’ve been in a depressive state for a long time now. It’s been multiple months. I think that’s why I haven’t discussed my mental health because it doesn’t feel like much has changed. But just because your mental health feels stagnant doesn’t mean that it’s not worthy of discussion and for intervention. Whether you are struggling or not, it’s worth the conversation because we can all learn from each other. I love this community that we live in regarding mental health. We all have different adversities, but I get emails from people all the time about what they go through, the projects they work on, the hardships they face and I always learn something from it.
I don’t reach out to others for help very often, but I do know that I have a great community here of people I love, care about, and trust with my life. You all reading my blog have been through thick and thin with me, peaks and valleys, everything. You all are my extended family. I know you have my back just like I have yours.
I am just tired of being tired… where was I going with this post? Mental health. Right. My own mental health is okay especially after going through something traumatic. I think it’s better for me to write a post about something not substantial than have it roll around in my brain and have it stuck inside. That can lead to overthinking or toxic thinking which I’m known for. I think that using coping skills for mental health is important, it’s part of our medicine. Doing stuff that makes our mind and body feel good is muy importante.
Today I woke up at quarter to ten. I drank my water, and a red bull of course. Talked on the phone with some friends and made lunch before noon. I ate moderately and it was proportioned. Back to watching my girlish figure. I moved my desk and chair into my room and I took a break to finish this up but I never went back to getting the rest of my belongings lol.
I just feel small and sad today. I miss my dog, Poncho. I don’t want to do anything but lay here and be sad. I have been taking my meds but it’s not helping today…
Anyways I love ya’ll and care a lot about each of you.