2:54am 4 February 2022.

I think I am just about done moving. I have my clothes packed up, ready to go in my car and back home. I just need to pack up the bathroom and my kitchen belongings, which is two pans, my tea kettle, reusable water bottles, and Keurig. This is my last night here sleeping with Poncho on my head. Let me rephrase that. Poncho sleeps in the direct center of a queen sized bed and sleeps on the pillows like people. He’s not the smallest houndy ever so I’m forced to one side of the bed, nearly falling off. But damn, I am going to miss him. A dog is not a reason to stay in a broken relationship.

Tonight I can’t sleep. I got back to Diego’s house at 10pm. I slept from like midnight to 2am, but I have a medication eval this morning at 9am on the north end of the county, by where my parents live. So I want to load up my car with all my belongings and be done here. By 8am. I have yet to start on my other boxes of belongings, but what will happen is right when I fall asleep around 4:30am-ish I will wake up in a frenzy to get to my appointment and will waste the gas in my car without having anything in my car.

I am hoping to up my anti depressant. I wanted to lower my mood stabilizer, Lithium, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen. Just because I am dipping down in emotion due to this breakup, I don’t want to rock the boat too much. I despise taking Lithium with all the blood tests to make sure I don’t have lithium poisoning. It’s not really that I despise taking it, it’s more that the pills themselves are huge, I take them twice a day and they aren’t in capsules so they taste awful. Am I that much of a pansy? Yes. When you take ten pills and vitamins a day to be normal, I feel like I have some right to be choosy about it. I didn’t choose bipolar disorder; it chose me. I don’t get to control what cocktail of prescriptions works for me; so the fair end of the deal is that I get to bitch about it.

I use this reference all too often, but it makes me smile 🙂

Anyways, I digress. I feel lonely and it makes me sad about leaving my dog here and not getting to see him whenever I want, everyday. Poncho is such a good boy with softy ears and likes to lean on peoples’ knees and I’ve literally fallen down because of this. I like how he eats the dinner that Diego makes that I won’t eat or don’t like. He is always so fuckin happy to see me and that makes me smile too.

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Look at how precious he is, ya’ll. “Mama says I’m special.” But I know this is all for the best and God will provide. I just can’t really see the light at the end of the tunnel. And maybe that is okay. I am not supposed to have everything figured out.

Much love,

Dani