I had a conversation with Diego this evening in regards to how I feel having bipolar disorder. I asked him if he wanted my perspective being medicated or unmedicated. He asked for both.

I told him being on medication for bipolar disorder is like being tone deaf and numb to the world. I don’t feel much of anything besides speaking in monotone voices about boring topics like the weather. I know this is how my life needs to be because when I feel alive and feel good, trouble is about to happen.

He asked about being off meds and I replied with being manic reminds me of people who take cocaine except the high is endless. You want to keep doing things that make you feel good and you have the energy to do so. That was why I was so hooked on gambling; the flashing lights, the sounds, the visuals, smoking and the endorphins that hit when getting a big win. It fed into my endorphins and I just wanted to keep playing because I couldn’t replicate that same feeling anywhere else.

Then the depression and suicidal ideation hits. The planning of death hits me hardest. What to write in my suicide note? How do I want to die? How do I deserve to die?

But being medicated for about a year come April means that I don’t feel the extent of those highs and lows as much anymore. The only thing that plagues me is the delusions and paranoia. Diego asked if it had to do with my upcoming doctor’s appointment; does knowing I have an upcoming appointment spike my delusions so that that becomes the focus of my psych visit? I don’t think it does because these delusions and paranoia have been happening for some time. I get very agitated and can’t sit still or think straight because I feel like I hear things and logically I know that they are not there and I don’t respond to internal stimuli, but it’s hard trying to be normal when I feel so abnormal.

What do you compare your mental illness to? Does it change at certain times depending on your mood cycles? Let me know.

Dani