I have been torn up today with fatigue and a headache. I went to lunch with my parents and Diego as it is their 34th wedding anniversary. It was good overall but by the time I got back home, I just wanted to sleep.

Diego and I got into a small spat about me not wanting to feel just like a roommate and more like a girlfriend and he said how long my episode of depression was going to last before I decide to leave again. I told him it had been six months and eight on my meds. He asked me how things were going and I said good despite how he acted toward me. He mentioned my DUI and I said that was while I was manic not when we were together. He asked what good has happened since we had been back together and I said I moved in, I did well in school, I had a good job… and then he went off about consistency and that he won’t be held to a timeframe for him to start trusting me again.

I know that trust can take years to build, but I still remain inpatient and frustrated. He told me I could leave and I told him no I didn’t want to. He had kept mentioning that we love each other but we may not necessarily be in love with each other. I can’t speak for him, but I love and I am in love with Diego. I haven’t been tempted to cheat or to leave him in a long time even despite our small fights here and there. I just keep my mouth shut and hands busy so he doesn’t have a reason to be angry with me.

We have had a long history together but right now I don’t want to fight for his love when I am on the brink of suicidal ideation. I barely have it in me to sit up in bed let alone do anything else. His parents’ and brother went to Christmas Eve Mass. We were supposed to go over there around 5ish to eat dinner. But Diego didn’t get a phone call that they were done with church until after 7pm so I decided to stay here. So Diego said that he went to all of my family’s events and I either attend his and don’t enjoy myself or skip entirely.

I figure being not in the best mood and not feeling that great that I would miss dinner. I didn’t want to be the reason I force Diego to leave early and not to mention it’s almost 10pm and I haven’t even seen or heard from Diego so he must still be over there or maybe on his way home. I just want to cry and cry but I don’t have the energy in me to do so.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me. It’s like my anti depressants stopped working and I am so depressed and sad for no reason. I didn’t have any triggers come up recently and don’t have any nearby or upcoming triggers. I know I don’t like the holidays but to feel the way I do and not even care about opening up presents tomorrow just is weird.

I am the most impatient person I know and when it comes to Christmas gifts I have to know what I am getting and I need to open them ASAP. This year, I couldn’t care less. I just want to stay in bed and watch Netflix and YouTube videos and be alone.

Merry Christmas. I hope if you celebrate yours is jollier than mine.

Dani