I received a call back from my potential employer that they still wanted to hire me, but for a different position. The position would be a hour south of where I am living now and it pays the same with the same far off start date. I really don’t want to take it but my options or closer to none than being slim so I took the job and have to submit some bloodwork to show immunity proving I have had my childhood vaccines.

I kind of fell off the deep end yesterday after the back and forth and thinking that I didn’t have a job and now I have one but it’s less than ideal. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I nearly finished my office yesterday and moved a lot of heavy furniture by myself while Diego was out with friends.

He said we could go to karaoke once he got home but by 9:30pm I was dressed and ready to go and he was no where to be found and I couldn’t get a hold of him. I heard a knock on the door around 10pm after I had gotten back into my jammies and was laying in bed. He asked if I was ready to go and I told him I took Xanax for the first time in over a year because I was so panic ridden.

I did want to go two hours prior. He said they went out to dinner after zoo lights and it took forever. Plus he had to be up before 5am today and I wasn’t about to make him go to karaoke which is something he hates on a work night. But at that point I was done crying, the house was spotless and I didn’t want to feel anymore so we went to bed shortly after he got home.

…

Today I kept sleeping in til like 11am and then I went back to sleep at noon and woke up to a phone call at 3pm. Diego was off work but he had to go drop a ham off at his mom’s house for Christmas Eve dinner and then now he said he wouldn’t be coming home for a while because she was working and asked him to run errands and now they are spending her lunch break together.

I just want him to come home but I am not going to tell him that. I feel like I am always alone, well, I have Poncho…. but I feel isolated and I don’t really go out or do much because I have no money and now my mental health crisis is in full swing. I don’t want to live. I don’t want to breathe. I feel nothing. Apathy. But it’s not like I’m just brushing it off like I normally do, it’s kind of been a downward spiral all week and there has been no trigger warnings, no flares, nothing.

I am not gonna do anything rash or stupid I just don’t feel like myself and I am small and sad and apathetic all at the same time if that is even possible.

Merry Christmas

Dani