Restless

Photo by Black ice on Pexels.com

I woke up at my new normal time of 3:30am. I thought about rolling over, but I thought I might get some stuff done this morning.

I’m not sure about you, but when I have something to do in the morning, let’s say 8am, and I wake up way too early, I can’t go back to sleep. I think it’s just depression knocking at the door. I can’t say for sure, because lack of sleep aligns with mania but I don’t feel manic. I just feel kind of small and sad.

I did the dishes which I normally despise but today it was kind of nice. I think through things almost robotically at times. When I am doing something mechanical or something tedious, I think of it like a video game. *scrub scrub rinse scrub rinse repeat*. It’s like pressing multiple buttons on a controller in a patterned way. I had my YouTube videos playing and I listened while I cleaned.

Then Poncho got up and did a big stretch. I took him out and saw the stars in the clear sky and despite how cold it was, it was beautiful and mesmerizing.

Once I finished the dishes I put my new vitamins in my pill container. I decided to get some B12 vitamins since my levels are so low. I got the gummies and they taste so good I could almost eat them like candy. They are like edibles; have one, you’re a-okay but if you have any more, you’re fucked. Same with vitamins.

These gummies almost made taking my morning pills more bearable. I took a writing break and broke out the old bullet journal for a good brain dump. I forgot how much I love writing on paper with pen, especially when I try really hard to write neatly and small. It is just what I need to get out of my head and focus on something totally irrelevant. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love blogging and punching the damn keys, but my hands get sore after a while and writing on paper is easier to look back on and say “Hey, I did that.” I think it’s easier to see progress on paper and you can see your doodles and how you’re feeling because you write differently when you feel a certain way.

I think I am gonna finish cleaning the kitchen and dining room and maybe work on my anthropology final. I don’t feel like it, but I know it’s gotta be finished sooner rather than later. The to do list never ends. I have my interview at 2:45pm today and then I am getting my hair trimmed at 5pm.

Until next time,

Dani

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