Bored to Tears

Photo by Polina Zimmerman on Pexels.com

It’s a Saturday night and I am with Diego. It’s just after 8pm and he’s already in bed for the night. I, however, have homework that I am avoiding. I am playing music through my headphones and the beat drops are abnormally clear with how loud I have my Spotify and MacBook settings. I am also writing this to avoid my homework and it isn’t even that my homework is hard to do; I just don’t want to do it.

I have so many ideas inside of my head that I need to get out creatively before they disappear into the deep abyss. So instead of working on homework and finals that have an initial due date of December 1st, I am punching the damn keys.

Now don’t worry, procrastination and I are good friends. He always lets me work right before the due date and time so I will complete my work and the perfectionist in me will complete the work well. I am working on a side project from Precarious Aquarius and as much as I love mental health blogging, I’ve been rather sedentary in my diagnosis and symptoms which is great, don’t get me wrong! But it makes my writing life very dull.

I want to write things that fascinate me and excite me and right now that topic is finances. Is it because I applied to several banker jobs and I interviewed for one? No, but I think the fact that I will go back to enjoying a job that I am both good at and enjoy would be great.

Maybe my bipolar is bad because I am hyper fixating on many projects without getting much done on any of them. I have been hyper focused on budgeting for the past I would say three months but I don’t have much to show for it besides budgets in my brain dump journal. I have created a couple of savings challenges and I thought of having an Etsy shop and selling them but I am not sure how well they would do. I mean, I suppose there is no harm in trying?

We all face demons, and right now mine are in the closet or underneath my bed. I think I replaced my gambling addiction for a love and healthy respect for money. Or maybe that’s what I want to think. I think I am a compulsive spender by nature and it was hidden by my gambling addiction. Which has now turned to “Dani has a spending problem” and I think it partially has to do with the push of dopamine in my brain when I select add to cart and purchase and the other half is I half ass all these ideas and projects and can never settle on one idea so nothing gets done.

I am trying to right these wrongs by getting an addiction to saving and keeping money, not spending it. But whenever I get paid I try to put it toward some type of business venture or opportunity to help me make money even though I end up not pursuing it.

The delusions are the same. I got a letter in the mail that I was going to be given a raise on my next paycheck the same day I received a letter in the mail that I couldn’t return to work until the beginning of May according to my doctor’s note. It was like some kind of sick joke.

I have the delusions that people are out to sabotage me. Not in like a paranoid way like “ooh people are following me” but more like “ooh people are manipulating situations because they don’t like me or want to see me fail.”

I know these are just thoughts and usually I can brush them off but whenever anything happens like the letter thing, I think it happens on purpose rather than coincidentally.

Other than that, I have been decent. Not too depressed and definitely not hypo manic. So we shall see what happens in the next few weeks.

Much love,

Dani

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