The Antagonist

Photo by murat esibatir on

I feel as though I haven’t written anything worth while in a long time. Not to say that my rants and ramblings are utter shit, but they aren’t moving and riveting pieces of writing that I am proud to present to a friend, let alone a co-worker.

I started my blog as an outlet for my emotions and feelings and taught the lessons I have learned in being bipolar. This will be my nearly four hundredth post in less than two years of having this blog. After 100 posts or so, I started to run out of content ideas so I turned toward more of my personal life for writing ideas.

Not that I have an issue writing about my daily whereabouts and habits, but I do recognize that I am not the only one my blog affects. I mention certain family members and relationships with others. I do this to create not only clarity to you, the reader, but I feel if I leave out conversations with my mom who also has mental illness or don’t discuss my relationship issues, what is there to truly write about? Where is the authenticity?

I don’t see the point in lying to anyone about anything. I consider my blog to be like a public journal, writing the same content that I would if my journal was in the top drawer of my nightstand in my room. I value honesty a lot more than I used to. I feel as part of my GA recovery, I need to be honest in every way I possibly can. I don’t follow the steps of Gambler’s Anonymous, but I am apart of an online support group and discuss how to remain sober regularly.

I constantly am left feeling like I am the hero of my own story and yet the antagonist all at the same time. But more of the latter. I am my own villain, sabotaging my own happiness and well being. I think that can be said about most things in my life, including my writing.

I have goals to become a successful blogger (whatever that entails), graduate from college, get out of debt, etc. However, I do what is in my power to put a stop to the good things in my life from happening. For example, I have been on a pretty decent budget but instead of saving the excess money that I did have, I spent it on makeup and an iPad; things I wanted, but don’t truly need. Now I am stressing over finances even though I just got paid today. Granted, my checks are not nearly what they used to be. The check I received is actually a third of my living expenses which leaves me wondering how I will ever recover financially until I get stable employment.

I sabotage my relationships by doing the things I know I shouldn’t be doing because I think it’s fun and exciting. I used to gamble all the time knowing that it was a slippery slope for me, yet I still did it even when I found slots boring or didn’t even want to play. I figure that I am not a good person and I do not deserve the good things in my life. But with this mentality, it Is not only me that suffers, but my family and those closest to me.

I can’t tell you how many times my parents bailed me out finically and literally ( well it was only the one time ) however, my irresponsibility has made them sick over me and how I could put these stresses on them makes me forever resentful toward myself and my actions. I wanted to pay back my parents all the money I owed them for court costs and whatnot by Christmas, and now with me not working, I will need to borrow money again. Fuck my life.

I feel more like a burden than a blessing for so many people. I feel like I take and take and take and I am selfish, needy, greedy, careless, reckless, you name it. In real life, well, in actuality I am a very empathetic person almost to the point that it hurts me to be so empathetic. I am very kind and genuine and wish no harm unto others. I just wish that showed to more people; that others saw who I really am when they look at me and talk to me. I am aware that people judge me by my actions and not my words, but sometimes when you are mentally ill, our actions and messages get a little mixed up. Bipolar disorder is a reason, never an excuse. But it’s hard for others to comprehend my adversity because they never have experienced walking a mile in my shoes. Uphill. In the snow. Etc, etc.

I guess I am just feeling insecure and I have the right to feel my feelings. But I need to acknowledge them like I am right now and move on and not linger on these thoughts. As pivotal as these concepts can be for me or for anyone, it can maneuver me back in the wrong direction if I let it. I get easily discouraged by bad news or when things aren’t going “my” way and let that sometimes send me down the wrong path.

Not this time!

I am going to budget again and pay off and pay on time what I can, do what I can, and pray to God I get this new job so I can get back to work. That’s half the battle. The rest is just keep staying out of trouble and nothing else can happen.

Well I better get back to school work so I’ll catch ya’ll on the flip side.


One Comment Add yours

  1. You seem like you have a plan for your finances, so that’s good. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are very self-aware, and that alone is the battle half won. The other half is just carrying out your plans. Wishing you all the best!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s