Out of Control

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

I feel like I am not much of a control freak, but as I have gotten older, I have come to realize that I need control of every little aspect of my life. I know truly I have no control over my life besides the little things like what to wear and I have personal autonomy over who to love and hang out with and whatnot. But I have no control over the fact that I have bipolar disorder. I have no control over my mother’s mental illness getting progressively worse each and every day. Once I submit my assignments to university, I have no control over my grades or what will be said about my assignments.

Personal autonomy is very important to me. I like having choices and most people do. So when those choices and freedoms you have once had is stripped from you, it sucks. I am not a very religious person; I more so have a relationship with God. He never fails me, but more often than not, I fail Him and the relationship. I am not very good at giving my issues to God to take care of. I do have faith that time and God can heal all wounds, but at the same time, I have issues letting go, and letting God.

I have a feeling like my whole life is out of control. Like I just can’t get it together. I feel as though since I lost my job, well, I didn’t lose my job. I am on administrative leave but it pays significantly less than what I was making before hand. I was only scheduled one day a week and I would work between 4-6 days a week, 12 hour days. So going from 60 hours a week to 12 is a significant pay reduction. Anyways my finances are a mess. I had to take another high interest personal loan out about a month ago right when I went on initially unpaid leave. It covered my expenses for the month of November, but not for December that is quickly approaching. I got paid $550 today which will help for a couple of weeks. But I was in so much debt prior to this happening so that pays only a third of my expenses and nothing more.

My relationship with Diego is going well, thank God. But other areas of my life are failing. School is going alright, but my motivation is lacking and I can’t get my shit together to wrap up the semester and end on a high note. I have my scholarship application that is due by the end of January and I got to basically lie about how great of a person I am, which I am not that great. I don’t volunteer. I am broke, but not financially needy for scholarships because my dad makes good money and helps me out with school before he retires. I don’t need the scholarships as bad as others may need it and I think I am afraid that will show in the essay portion of my application. But I suppose if I don’t shoot my shot, there’s no point in even trying.

I did, however, get an interview for next week right before Thanksgiving for a personal banker position in my local area. It is halfway between my house and Diego’s if I ever end up moving in with him. I am not sure how much it pays, but having full time income is better than no income. I am excited and I hope I get the position because after a month of waiting for my current job to pull through with a different position, I am still waiting around and losing hope quickly.

Life isn’t a total loss right now, however, I don’t feel like everything is coming together and I am “getting ahead”; whatever that means. I feel like I am trucking along, barely making do with what I have. Sigh. Maybe things will start coming together shortly.

Sorry not sorry for the rant!


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