Think.

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I have been thinking a lot lately about a lot of different topics. Been thinking about my school and how well I am doing academically. I have been thinking about how just under seven days sober, I caved in and bought another tank for my vape so I could continue to smoke.

No, I don’t feel guilty nor regret about keeping sober or about breaking sobriety. I just felt awful all day every day; just craving my nicotine. I didn’t see how quitting smoking made me a better person. I didn’t feel like a better person and I wasn’t acting like one either. So on my way to Diego’s house yesterday, I picked up a tank and poured some 3nic juice into the tank now connected to my mod. It didn’t feel as satisfying as I thought but with it feels better than without it. I am a quitter, Diego said. (go figure.)

I just think I have to many things weighing down on me to prioritize quitting smoking. First of all, I have school to prioritize. Then work. If I ever go back that is. The problem they are running into is that I was hired to complete this particular job and they can’t transfer me to an equivalent role or reducing my role to nothing altogether. I think they are hoping I quit before too long so they don’t have to work so hard to find me temporary work.

Between my dad and I, we discussed I apply to unemployment because although I am not unemployed, I am not making any money due to an injury out of my control. So I will do that tonight or tomorrow.

I have been having bad light sensitivity, so I am going to the eye doctor on the 18th because my eyeballs hurt with natural light or in really bright rooms. I am legally blind in one eye meaning that even with my glasses on, my bad eye cannot be corrected to 20/100 level vision. So when I say I am having light sensitivity in BOTH eyes, it’s serious.

I impulse bought some more things I don’t need with money I don’t really have. I feel myself slowly slipping into a depression. It’s mild, but the apathy is real, ya’ll. I think it’s about time in my bipolar cycle to be feeling rather depressed but I also think hanging around other depressed people makes you, well… more depressed.

Diego has been feeling super apathetic towards life in general lately and it’s hard to see him like this. I can’t fathom how infuriating it would be to deal with me, but on the other hand, I am always crazy. He however, is not.

Crazy is the wrong word. But if you have been following my blog for sometime, it makes sense…. I am chaotic in my moods. I will be full of gumption and motivation one day and the next I will cry over a ruined dinner idea gone wrong. Diego is used to that and now that I am more stable, it seems like everyone in my life seems more depressed or worse.

We talked about him going to the doctor and he agreed to go around the beginning of the new year so that he will have a few holiday pay days underneath his belt (being union, he gets 2.5x his hourly if he works on Thanksgiving and Christmas which he gladly does). This way he can better afford the co pays that go with getting a check up.

I asked him about moving in together considering I was there half the time. He reminded me that my mother is still in poor health and needed me there at least half the time to help cook, clean, and go get her medicine from the pharmacy. He was right but I hated that that was the reason why he didn’t want me to move in. Because it was something out my control.

I am not mad at my mom and her worsening schizophrenia turned schizoaffective disorder. Technically it is very mild, but it makes it so that she has a hard time leaving the house for anything because she’s paranoid. I am proud of her that she has five years sober under her belt and has stopped smoking this past year and stopped self medicating. But it doesn’t change the fact that I am always having to stay home or call her every couple hours or so when I am not home to make sure she is stable.

Diego brought up the money thing too. But it wasn’t even about the money or my job on the rocks. It was about doing what’s best for my mom which is having me stay there to take care of her because my dad works and my sister is off and married. She comes by when she can but nobody makes time for my mom like I do and that’s the flexibility and nice part of my work and school schedule.

I ended up going home after that conversation. It made me sad to leave Diego and Poncho in bed by themselves. I know Diego didn’t mind too much but as corny as this sounds, I hate to see them go away and coming home to them comes never too soon to me.

When I am typing this alone in my room, I look at my expensive Beats by Dre headphones that Poncho has chewed on and they still work but they are pretty gnarly looking. Despite the anger I feel toward Poncho for messing so many things up, I still love and miss him. And despite Diego being sad lately and him maybe saying more things out of anger than out of love, I forgive him. Love and miss them both terribly.

I am not resentful toward my mom for being sick. I would rather me be here with her than her not be here at all. But that’s not a conversation I want to have. My parents both have helped me out tremendously this past year and I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them. I would be homeless or in jail or both, in all honesty. This, me being home to comfort my mom, is the least I can do for the debt that I owe to both of them for my recklessness.

Gotta stay positive.

Much love,

Dani

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