Day 19 of the Blogtober challenge as today is 10/19/2021 at 3:53pm PST. I have had a challenging time with this challenge. Not in that I don’t have much time to write, because I have been making time for me, myself, and I to write even when I am bogged down with school and post mid terms like I am right now. I don’t struggle with making time, but with the content and ideas that I either can’t come up with or have no idea what to post to begin with.

I think every writer and blogger goes through some sort of writer’s block. But I feel that I am no longer staying true to the brand that is Precarious Aquarius.

My posts have been few and far between minus October because I don’t know the direction that I want to take this blog into. The reason why I started this blog was that I was working for a lawyer as a paralegal (I had previously attended some classes in college to become a paralegal) and when he found out via Facebook that I have Bipolar 2 disorder, he terminated me because I “lacked integrity and he couldn’t trust me because I did not disclose that to him.” As illegal as that was for him to do, it kind of fueled a fire within me.

I started Precarious Aquarius because it’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to live with mental illness. No you don’t have to shout it from the mountain tops and tell everyone you meet, but this blog was meant for me as a safe space to express my valid feelings onto this very public platform in hopes that one person either relates to it, gets something out of it, etc. This blog is also meant for you as the reader to read someone else’s experiences that may be similar to your own or you may know someone who struggles with mental illness and that maybe some of my words helps you in some way.

I chose to blog publicly because I am not the only one with bipolar or with a mental illness. We all have differences and adversity; that’s what makes us human. But those differences should build each other up and use our differences for the better, not to illegally fire people because you hold ignorant truths in your heart. I want to help aid in breaking the stigma that is mental health and what it may represent to you and/or others.

I am not perfect by any means, nor do I expect my blog to become famous and that people take my word as truth or even take me seriously at all. End goal is to impact one person. If I have impacted more than one life, that’s phenomenal! If not, oh well. I am me and I won’t apologize for being me.

As hard as it has been to keep consistent with blogging everyday, I think it’s helping me decide what I want to write about. Being forced to do something (I use the word ‘force’ lightly considering no one is making me do this; I want to) has put me in a place where I got to write about something! It forces me to be consistent with you, my readers, about my life, well being, mental health, and whatever I mention here. I get enough comments that ask how I am doing with my mental health that I can’t just go off the deep end and ignore that topic. Well… I could. But that would make me a bad friend to those who care enough about me and my well being to like, read, let alone comment on my posts.

I think I want to make a posting schedule for each week after Blogtober ends. I am posting every day for the month of October for this little blog event. I am thinking of creating a schedule for four days a week with certain topics on each day that I post something. That is all yet to be determined. I need to make quality content like I used to rather than ranting and rambling on about the problems that I face. Not to say people don’t get a kick out of my swearing like a sailor and my first world problems, but it’s not *quality* writing where I use proper grammar and write with ease and edit my work and have different topics and paragraphs and other organization.

I think the more consistent I am in my blogging, the easier consistency will be in other aspects of my life. I have been consistently doing my shifts at work and doing a lot of overtime. My supervisor pulled me aside yesterday and she acknowledged how much I have been helping the unit and she asked if I wanted to be trained as team lead. All team lead does is act as supervisor if something were to happen and my supervisor isn’t there or has to leave the unit. I said yes I would love to train for team lead. I would receive a couple bucks more a hour for any time I act as supervisor. I used to be team lead in the youth inpatient unit when I worked for this company years ago so I remember a lot of the stuff but there may be some differences since their computer programs and systems have changed since I left and came back.

I have been consistent in my schooling which is why I am doing so well for grades in each of my classes. I think I am going to take four classes again next semester and I think I am taking Biology 102 which is general biology, Personal finance, a history class in roots of contemporary issues, and psychology 210. I thought about taking five classes but working as much as I do, I can’t afford to work less and I can’t afford to half ass any of my classes, as my dad said on the phone, I need to full ass four classes instead of half ass five classes. I brought up that I can take two or three classes summer semester so that I can still graduate one semester behind rather than more than a year behind. So it will be a long journey, but I am ready for the trek.

I am still needing to be more consistent in my relationships with others whether they be friendship or romantic or whatever the case may be. I am not one to usually follow up and text people and make small talk. It is not that I don’t care, because I do care and I care a lot. However, I feel that relationships go both ways so if people don’t try to contact me, I stop contacting them. It makes for a lonely existence but I know who the real ones are and when I need people the most, my friends and family have my back.

I also need to be more consistent in my schedule and routines. I am pretty good when I am at work but the second I have a day off, I sleep in late and it throws off my whole day. It’s now 9:30pm my time and I have yet to begin my homework. I went to Diego’s yesterday and got home around noon today. Talked to my mom for a bit. Decided to make some enchiladas for dinner so I started to chop up some vegetables for pico de gallo. I chopped up two Roma tomatoes, I had bought pre diced up white onion, so I poured that in the bowl, added the juice of two limes, cut up a bunch of cilantro, and added some English cucumber which is what Diego does to give it some crunch. Put that in the fridge to sit and marinate a while. I went to go unpack my things and started internet browsing. I needed to eat lunch and I am trying to eat better so I had some lunch meat, grapes, and two Halo oranges, the small ones you get in the bag. I had a lot of grapes and probably 8 pieces of normal sized ham lunch meat so I got full. I wasn’t terribly hungry but was getting there.

After I ate and my mom was off the phone, I started to brown the ground beef for the enchiladas. Added taco seasoning to the meat and turned off once browned. I opened my medium red enchilada sauce and poured the sauce in the bottom of the baking dish so the tortillas didn’t stick to the bottom. Then I dipped the tortillas in the sauce to hold them together. Before I put meat in the tortilla, I mixed the meat with a dollop of sour cream, lots of Mexican cheese, some salsa, and a splash of enchilada sauce. Once that’s mixed up, I put the meat mixture in the tortilla, rolled it up. Repeat this step til the dish is full with enchiladas and tortillas. Then I poured some more sauce and salsa very lightly over the top and added a layer of cheese. Put it in the oven for ten minutes annnnddddd… chef’s kiss.

I just put pico on top of my enchiladas and it was so good. They were probably the whitest enchiladas every because they aren’t authentic by any means, but my pico kicked ass. After I ate I was sleepy so I tried to do homework, failed, and took a two hour nap. Then my dad came home so I made him a plate and I asked him who cooks better, my mom or I, and he said “Mom,” but mouthed to me “we gotta talk about this when she goes to sleep.” I laughed because I knew I cooked better than my mom but my mom got all butt hurt about it. She mainly stopped cooking because my dad would never eat her food, but if I cook, he will eat my dinner rather than junk food and candy.

So now I am back in the lair finishing this blog for the challenge. Still haven’t touched school for today and I gotta leave for work around 6:10am. So my consistency in my schedule is something I need to work on.

My diet needs to be improved upon. I have lost about 17 pounds in the past 6-8 months which is awesome, but I have been wavering around the same number for a while now. I wouldn’t care normally about my weight but being 188 pounds at 5’0″ tall is hard on my joints and my body, I wheeze walking up more than one flight of stairs. I am finally at a point in my recovery that I can start gently working out. So I am planning on buying a few work out tools for a home work out such as a yoga ball, an aerobic step up thing, a jump rope, and a foam roller. I think my mom has some free weights or I might get the weighted wrist bands. I have a bunch of at home circuits I can do, it’s just a matter of doing them even without these things.

I have a lot to work on, but most importantly my consistency in my relationship with God is numero uno. I pray daily, but I don’t even read my daily devotion or even a few verses a day from scripture which is unfortunate because I always feel light and airy when I talk to God and focus on Him. I haven’t kick dropped him and say “Be gone”, but I have been distant for sure. I kind of had this realization yesterday when I saw a guy on the corner with these huge signs that said “God is King” and “God is the answer you’ve been looking for” or something to that effect. He is right. God is what I need and what I crave. He will provide. I just haven’t been asking for His help.

My mental health has been decent, but I do think it’s time that I find a therapist. I know that no one locally is taking new patients so I am looking into online options because the time is now in order to take care of myself.

Consistency is often lacking in most peoples’ lives because it IS hard. It takes work and nobody wants to do the work to make their lives better unless they are getting paid to do so. At least that’s how I feel. Unless cash is given or being taken, I am not invested. Maybe if I invest in my physical health and mental health, I will be more inclined in putting in the work to be consistent.

That’s it for me tonight. Have a great day or night or whenever you read this. Keep working toward your goals, you got this!

Much love,

Dani