Caught me thinking

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I had an interesting day off yesterday. I spent the majority of my time asleep. (Go figure.) I went to bed about 10pm on Friday and didn’t really wake up until 1pm and took a 3 hour nap sometime after that. I had to go watch Pablo, Diego’s little brother so his parents could have a date night. Pablo is 12 and has Down syndrome and is on the autism spectrum. So it makes for finding childcare quite difficult. I was happy to do it until I called Diego before getting ready.

Diego throws the question at me, “Do we say we love each other because we are in love or because we are really good friends and care for each other in that regard?”

I was floored by this question and I say we love each other because we are both best friends and in love. I said I couldn’t speak for him, but that’s how I feel.

He said he didn’t know the answer to that question and it made me really sad.

I asked if he wanted to go on our trip to Portland on the 26th and he said he did if I wanted to. But that’s not what I wanted to hear at all.

So I became quiet.

Diego hates when I do this because it used to mean I was shutting down. I stay quiet now not because I am shutting down in a conversation and can’t handle any more stimulation, but because I do not want to say something that I might regret. I was upset in this moment and I felt by speaking I could create irreparable damage than contribute positively to the discussion.

He kept prompting me to speak and when I finally got the courage to do so, I told him that I wanted to be in a relationship.

He told me that I never brought that up in recent times and that last he knew, I wanted to focus on school and work and didn’t have time for a relationship. Diego was fine with that set up and didn’t question it. He just can’t stand my lack of consistency. The fact that I go back and forth kills him and I know he still holds resentment toward past actions of mine.

I understand his frustration, I really do. I am one of the most empathetic people there are. However… HOWEVER. I don’t want to wait four years to get a shot at being engaged again and he made the suggestion that I don’t have to be with him if I want to be in a relationship and married so bad. I feel like that is a cop out; he suggests that I throw deuces so he looks like the hero, working on things til the bitter end. Homie don’t play that game.

We ended up saying that we would still go on our trip next week just for the one day. Ironically that day is October 26th, the day that he proposed to me 3 years ago this year. Weird.

I don’t know what to make of it honestly. I haven’t called him today, but maybe we need a little space? But knowing me I’ll probably call him later on today, let’s be honest. I think I need to be consistent and show him this is truly what I want.

Last night was good though after I called Diego. I spent time with Pablo and did my drawing assignment for art class. I didn’t get home until 2am but I got $40.00 for watching him which was unnecessary for her to pay me, but she insisted. It was the easiest $40.00 I’ve ever made! I talked to his mom for a while and asked how her health was. She had a non-cancerous tumor in her neck that was removed last year. I guess she still has numbness in her right side of her jaw and no feeling in that part of her neck. She also had covid not too long ago so she is going to get her booster shot soon and is getting Pablo his first vaccine for covid soon as well. I couldn’t fathom having Pablo get covid because he is non verbal meaning he does not speak either in English, Spanish, or Sign Language. He knows all three and comprehends them but speaks maybe 3% of the time saying “yeah” or “doh” (for no).

Pablo is about 5’0″ tall which is big for 12 years old and he gave me hugs and let the family dog lick his face and he has the most infectious laugh. It made me so happy. I was happy to help their mom out considering she never gets to go out with her husband and I think they had a good time at the casino. They like to gamble a lot and I just told them you gotta play my favorite machine for me since I don’t play anymore. It honestly didn’t bother me when they talked about gambling even with my addiction to gambling. They were excited and I was excited for them. It wasn’t a trigger for me to talk about winning or losing. I just can’t drive near a casino otherwise I would be in big trouble.

Today has been chill. Got up, made some toast and ate a banana. Now I am blogging and watching YouTube in the background. Next I will get some of my student loan information sorted out for my dad. Then I have one assignment for psych due today and another communications class thing due tomorrow.

I have my academic advising appointment tomorrow to determine what classes I will take for next semester.

Last, but not least I am getting a tattoo, well technically 2 of the opera masks that are happy and sad representing my bipolar disorder. It was apart of a flash sale at a tattoo shop and my appointment is on Halloween! Now I have to decide where I want to put them on my body so if you have any ideas, let me know in the comments below!

I think this long rant is over now. Much love to you on this great Sunday!

Until next time,

Dani

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