Ballin’ on a Budget (feeling overwhelmed)

Photo by Italo Melo on

Blogtober day 13.

I think I have been obsessed with budgeting the past four-five months because I feel so overwhelmed with the amount of debt I have put myself in. Ever since I quit gambling 09/14/2021, my head has been spinning with thoughts of “how am I gonna get out of this mess that I have put myself in?”

To give a short recap to my new readers, I am a problem gambler and have quit and stayed clean since last year around this time. But before that, I blew my 35k inheritance and maxed out every credit card I have ever had which I believe is 10 altogether. I have taken out three personal loans to cover expenses and what I make in a month just barely covers my expenses for credit card minimum payments.

My ex-fiance, Diego kicked me out of his house after I gambled my rent payment away and kicked me out as an act of “tough love”. It wasn’t even when I was nearly homeless that I quit gambling. It was when my best friend talked me out of suicide and lost a month of pay and had no other option than to quit. I was living with my parents’ and on the verge of either quitting my job or getting fired, I don’t remember which. When my friend talked me out of drowning myself, I knew I had to change.

I am not sure at what point, but my sister lent me her Dave Ramsey Money Makeover book. I scoffed at it at first and never bothered to turn to the first page. I think during my surgical recovery in May 2021 I opened the book and read the first half. It gave me enough motivation to start taking my debt seriously. Nobody else got me here but me. And no one can get me out of this mess besides Jesus and myself.

The teachings in the Bible are very clear about owing other people money and that it is frowned upon. Probably worse than that, but I don’t read His teachings as closely as I should. But I felt called on by God to really start budgeting and getting rid of my debt and paying creditors back.

It’s difficult because I am just under $43,000 in debt and I don’t even have a mortgage or a house to show for it. It is quite upsetting to have my addiction rubbed in my face every moment without fail. Someone calls me to hang out, nope, can’t. Sorry! I am in a shitload of debt at the moment and I can’t afford to eat ramen let alone go out to the city for dinner.

It is also scary because I got to start registering for spring semester soon for university and I am scared because no matter how many percentage points I knock off my debt in monthly payments, my credit score is still in the toilet and I am going to have to take out more student loans to pay for tuition and books.

There are so many things I wish I would have done differently with my life in regard to finances. I used to be very money oriented and did the bills for both Diego and myself when we rented our house together. Now he’s gotta keep ME on track rather than I keep him on track. I mean, he’s good with his money don’t get me wrong, I just used to be even better when it came to all that stuff. I mean, I paid off a three year car loan in half the time and had no credit card or student loan debt before I got hurt as a mechanic and got into gambling super hard.

I think I feel overwhelmed with the amount of debt I am in because it feels like there is no way out. My throat feels tight, my chest hurts and my anxiety is building as I type this. But the only way out is through. The only way I can alleviate my debt is by working that overtime and using cash envelopes, sinking funds, and selling things I don’t need.

The exciting thing is that I will be able to pay off one of my lower balance credit cards and I am stoked about that. Granted, this card has no interest because I bought my mattress on a three year loan and a little over two years in and by the end of October, it will be paid off. It may not sound like big news to you, but to finally cut up one of those damn plastic cards and saying good riddance sounds like a good stress reliever to me.

I am doing Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps out of order though. He suggests that one has an emergency fund of $1,000 before paying more than the minimums on debt because if an emergency arises, that is when most folks go into more debt. So I plan to pay off this one credit card and by the end of November, I would like to have the $1,000.00 saved in the bank. Only $875 dollars more to go.

I think I am being so honest and transparent about my budgeting journey, and journey in general, is because I know I am not alone. You may not be a gambler, but you may struggle with mental health or other addiction or something in your life. Adversity changes us and sometimes it changes us for the better and sometimes not so much. But like I keep telling myself, the only way out is through Jesus and myself. Or whatever your higher power may be.

I also think that my blog would be a bunch of horse shit if I weren’t honest with you all about what I am going through. I could lie and make this a lifestyle blog with all the cool trips I go on, and flaunt my hot boyfriend, and the great life I live. But that would be crap. That isn’t me nor do I ever wish to be perceived that way.

I have faced much adversity in my life. My home life hasn’t always been stable. I don’t have the greatest relationships with the ones I love the most. My relationship with my not boyfriend, but kinda sorta husband (?!) or whatever he is to me… he’s a Diego. My relationship with Diego is inconsistent at best. I rarely see my doggo. My credit and finances are slowly improving but still utter trash. I have a nicotine and gambling addiction that I battle every day. I have a bladder disease. I also have bipolar two disorder. Would I change my adversity for anything? No.

I think feeling overwhelmed makes us put our butts into gear and drive the car whereas if we had no anxiety, we would have no motivation to change and to excel and to do better. But what do I know? That’s just how I see things. But sorry if my cash obsession is annoying when you want to hear about my mood swings and shit…

Update from 10/12: My doctor did call me and I received a doctor’s note to excuse me from my training. I printed it out and have to give it to HR tomorrow at some point. I was not very productive because I was waiting for that phone call that didn’t come until 6pm which gave me more anxiety and now I am hyper fixated on budgeting and my blog so I can’t focus on my school work. So I guess I am going to go to bed now.

Much love to you and yours,


p.s. you are strong, you are capable, you are worthy, you are a fighter, you are courageous, you are beautiful, you are kind, you are empathetic. Anddddd…. YOU ARE NOT YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS OR ADDICTION.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s