
Day 9 of Blogtober, ya’ll! I decided with this post I wanted to kind of go back to my roots, in a sense. I want to share with you all my mental health journey. I don’t think it takes much time to read or tell from my blog that I have bipolar II disorder. With that being said, I do have a lot of newer readers who haven’t been with us since Day 1 (which is totally okay!) and may not know my story in regard to mental health. So I will dive into that a little bit and see where this emotional journey will take us, so come on get your reading glasses and let’s begin.
I started experiencing depression when I was either 13 or 14 years old. I am not sure if it was based on my home life and what I was going though, or if it is based on my own hormones, or a combination of the two. At that time, I was placed I believe it was on Zoloft which made me have elated moods and made me feel good in a superficial sense, but I ended up crashing and burning and becoming even more suicidal than I was before. I switched antidepressants a couple of times and eventually stopped talking the medication altogether when I found Jesus (again) at 15 years old. I felt good overall and didn’t feel as depressed so I went cold turkey on those meds. When I did take meds, I did attend therapy. My first therapist was a bust because she was cold and judgmental. My last therapist I had on and off for 8 years, so she was much better.
When I was 17, I started crying everyday and my moods would swing wildly and it wasn’t just a “woman thing”. Granted during this time, I was going through a mystery diagnosis situation, had my appendix taken out and nearly ruptured, and was diagnosed with a bladder disease called Interstitial Cystitis. But even then, my emotional state and emotional responses were not normal. So then I went back to my therapist who then diagnosed me with bipolar II disorder. Originally I was diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and PTSD. So I went from four incorrect diagnoses to one correct and more accurate one.
Being diagnosed with bipolar sometimes made me feel like I wasn’t like “them” as in other bipolar folks. I thought I wasn’t psychotic, nor did I have delusions or hallucinations, I was never hospitalized so I wasn’t like those whom you see in psych hospitals.
Then after three major psychotic episodes, multiple delusions, paranoia, two near suicide attempts, and one almost hospital admissions, I realized that I am no different nor was I in better than any human who is diagnosed with either bipolar 1 or 2 or has schizophrenia or schizoaffective. Or any other mental health diagnosis for that matter. I won’t go much into my near suicide attempts, but nearly every one of these events happened due to me going off of my medication.
I take an antidepressant (Prozac), an antipsychotic (Abilify), a mood stabilizer (Lithium). It wasn’t always this combination, but the point is that when I go off of these meds, all the medication goodness that goes on completely stops and it is so hard to force myself to take my meds and then I go bonkers without the medication.
I have been taking my medication everyday consistently without fail since April of this year. Since about May or June, I have felt pretty good. I don’t feel depressed nor manic, just decent everyday. In the beginning of September I broke up my Lithium pills so I take 450mg in the morning and 450 in the evening which helps stabilize me throughout the full day. In August, I believe I was able to reduced my Lithium from 1200mg to 900mg which I was very pleased about. I don’t feel like I am drugged and apathetic all of the time, but my moods have been stable enough so that I don’t need that extra 300 mg.
Overall, I feel good. I am going to add some vitamin D3 to my pill box this week because winter is coming ya’ll and I’m not ready nor am I digging it. I think that might help with my seasonal depression, but we shall see. I have a long way to go still, but I am excited for what’s to come as I continue to work full time and get my bachelor’s and then my master’s degree.
Much love,
Dani
It’s always good to look back at your past and see how far you’ve come.
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