Day 8 of the Blogtober challenge. I have been avoiding writing this post for quite some time. I think it’s easy for others to assume that I’m decent at processing my feelings and emotions since I have a blog that is semi – doing well. Honestly quick shout out to you all who read this shit because I never thought I would have seven followers, let alone 247 followers here at Precarious Aquarius. Definitely want to thank all ya’ll for sticking by me through thick and thin because you guys are the real ones.
Anyways. Back to feelings. See? I sidebar myself out of talking about my feelings even when I make a post dedicated to writing about my feelings! Can you tell I have issues with emotions or can you tell I have issues with talking about my emotions? Yes. Okay, back to the topic. It wasn’t until today that I was speaking with my mother about therapy that I realized that I really need to go back to see a therapist or a psychiatrist.
“But Dani! You’re so cool, pretty, and NORMAL. How could you *ever* need therapy?!”
I know guys, even I need therapy. Actually I suggest therapy to anyone and everyone. It’s always good to be able to have a safe and open space to vent where you feel comfortable. Now it’s time for me to practice what I preach and return to therapy after my 2.5 year therapy hiatus.
I went to therapy for the better part of eight years before my therapist quit due to covid and went MIA. I was in contact with a potential therapist I found to see in person via the internet, but it was before I was about to have knee surgery and then I moved back home with my folks so the location no longer worked. So after not one, but two surgeries within half a year of each other, and a lot of time of introspection and multiple mood swings, I have decided to try and find a therapist.
I think I use humor and self deprecation to avoid and “cope” with the trauma that I have faced in my life. I don’t consider myself to be a very strong person. I mean, logically I know I am strong by and for what I have endured and persevered through. However, I mostly feel meek, small, and sad all of the time. I feel like a child in a grown woman’s body, wearing adult shoes and going to work everyday pretending to be strong and confident and submissive and obedient; all things that I am not. I do as I am told by teachers and upper management and I honestly hate that. I hate my freedom being taken away and not being in control.
When I spoke with my mom on the phone, she said she thought I needed to “dump” my feelings and thoughts on another person’s brain and heart in order to cope and deal with my work, home, school, and relationship lives. That without dumping onto another person, my clients can’t dump their emotions and baggage onto me creating non effective care and burnout on my end. She didn’t say it as eloquently as that, but that’s what I got from the conversation which is pretty profound coming from my mom.
She’s absolutely right. I talked about my dandelion tattoo with a client today. Dandelion is the nickname that Diego gave me. It was a childhood nickname because a neighborhood kid called me Dandi because he thought that was my name; not Dani. Diego thought it was cute and now I am forever Dandelion, Dandelion flower, or Dandi. Anyways. After I was raped 13 June 2018, I got the phrase that Diego told me all the time which was ” You are worthy, Dandelion” so my tattoo says “You are worthy” with a white dandelion next to it. I told a client about it and I felt my face sink and I started to shut down emotionally.
I wasn’t over it.
I’m not over it. I haven’t even begun to process the rape situation.
I mean, I’ve told people and use my story to help others but I am not done grieving. Not yet. I think a lot of my happiness and innocence was taken that day and that lack of blatant disrespect from the vile human being that I detest, I cannot fathom or begin to rationalize. It’s hard because I forgive everyone or I try to. But how can I forgive the unthinkable? The answer to that may be found in therapy. Maybe not. But who knows? Maybe I do and it’s all for the best.
If you need me, I will be watching King of the Hill on Hulu. Goodnight all and to all a good night!