Got into a fight with my mom this evening. I asked her if she minded if I went to sing karaoke. She flipped out because after going to sing karaoke last time, I wrecked my car. It was like a trigger for her. She threatened me with if I went out tonight, she wouldn’t go on tomorrow’s family trip. Oh yeah. We, my immediate family including my sister, are going to Portland for the day for my grandpa’s 89th birthday tomorrow. There is a big get together and most of my cousins, aunts, and uncles will all be there. My mom didn’t go on our last visit to see my grandparents so I do want her to come along because I think she would have fun.
However, I do not like being threatened into following some agenda. I told her that I wasn’t going to drink at all, all I wanted was to sing and hang out with old friends. I called my dad after I went back upstairs after my mom threatened me and gave me the silent treatment. He said he heard where I was coming from but he stands by mom for at least tonight. However, he said we all need to sit down and make house ground rules for what I can and cannot do so that we are all happy.
I am really irritated because I am lonely and want to go out and not be stuck at home all the time. I have been home 24/7 for the past two months because I had extensive foot and leg surgery and before that, I had to repair my car so my Kia was in the shop over a month. I have a couple of friends I talk to via text and video chat, but me going out during the evening is just not allowed because my mom will have a cow.
She just called my dad after I got off the phone with him. Shortly after she called me to make popcorn in the air popper and is gonna bring me up a root beer and offered to watching tv with me. I accepted her bribe, but I don’t want to talk to her much if at all tonight. I am 23 years old, damn it. I should be able to do what I want, when I want it, and how I want it. I understand I still rely on my parents to some extent. However, that shouldn’t mean me sacrificing my independence in the name of some financial help.
I am happy I should be getting my first paycheck in the next couple of weeks and then that will help as far as independence goes. I can pay everyone back and move forward. I hate being bound to anyone. Maybe my next step is moving out even if I need six other roommates to do so. I cannot stand have people telling me what to do or how I should live my life.
I understand those who are concerned for my well being and as much as I appreciate it, when I am in a healthy place like I am today, I don’t see the need to be so overbearing. But I digress.
I am less angry now than I was when I started this post, I think the stress relief essential oils that I put in my oil diffuser are helping believe it or not. I am going to grab some hot orange and spice tea and relax and read my book.
Much love to you all!
2 Comments Add yours
You’re probably not going to like hearing this Dani but I am going to say it anyway. This is your statement: “I should be able to do what I want, when I want it, and how I want it.” Question: If other people like your Mom and Dad can sacrifice what they want, for you, how is it that you cannot sacrifice what you want, for them? It’s not about what you want, it’s about what you need and if you can’t see that, in spite of the choices you make which end up hurting you, because you focus on what you want and act on it, without really looking at the end state consequences, how in the world are things going to change?
If I am on a diet I do not sit down in front of an open fridge. If I see the harm that drinking has done to me in the past, I do not place myself in activities where drinking surrounds me. This isn’t rocket science. Independence is directed tied to personal accountability and you earn the right to be independent, by making decisions that support you reaching that goal. That means saying no to yourself and stop thinking solely of yourself.
Another statement of yours: “I cannot stand having people telling me what to do or how I should live my life.” Interesting realization, but how is it that you can expect others to assist you when your decisions don’t work out as you have planned, but you absolve yourself of any accountability associated with what you have done and how it affects what others do and how they live their lives, bailing you out? Accommodation is a two way street.
You don’t have the right to state: “I understand I still rely on my parents to some extent. However, that shouldn’t mean me sacrificing my independence in the name of some financial help.” Really. How convenient for you. I’m thinking that “some extent” is a bit of an understatement. They sacrifice for you but you don’t need to sacrifice for them, not to mention, for yourself. That is not earned independence, that is “I want” things my way and if doesn’t work out, then you get to cover the cost of my ill thought out decision, because I don’t really want to. Independence is earned, it is not a right, and it takes hard decisions, self sacrifice, to achieve.
I have followed your blog for a number of months now and I read all of your posts. Very rarely do I add comments to your posts because I know darn well you would not like to hear what I see. I understand you are 23 and still figuring things out but the logic you use is continually flawed. You mention God once in a while but in reality that is lip service. You don’t take what Jesus has to say to you, to heart, through His Holy Word. I know you have been dealt some difficult cards to deal with, but you’re not alone. The vast majority of us have been dealt difficult cards. Most of us have our own stories. You’re still firmly in the drivers seat and not only do you not want to seriously entertain what Jesus has to tell you, you resent when others say no to you, overlooking the fact that you still haven’t grasped that you still have not learned to say no to yourself.
And you say that you asking to go to karaoke was a “trigger” for your Mother. Do you think! My question to you is why was it not a “trigger” for you? Do you have any idea how much that would hurt your Mom and Dad, to realize that after all you have been through and how they are accommodating you, you still can’t see how even bringing that up, would hurt them by dashing their hopes and sacrifices for you? And your Mom graciously offers you popcorn and a root beer, even after that. That is what love does Dani, gives more, in the face of disrespect and lack of consideration for what they are sacrificing for you, in the hope that the spark in you will finally light.
It’s not about you focusing on feeding your self centered needs Dani, it’s about Jesus and what He has already done for you. But you don’t see that either. Why don’t you stop just looking at yourself for a moment and put yourself in your parents shoes. They have been where you are but you have not been where they are. There’s much more to life than just you.
I know these are hard words but you do need to hear them. It’s time you moved away from thinking like a child and you actively start becoming a responsible and independent adult.
God loves you more than you can imagine Dani but He will not violate your free will. Your glasses on your eyes are dirty, you really need to clean them and the thing is, you can’t do that unless you ask Him to help you. Apologize to your parents, you owe them that much and honestly give Jesus a try.
Love in Christ – Bruce
I do put myself in my parents shoes because I have been in their position when I had to put my mother in the hospital due to self induced anorexia due to severe untreated schizophrenia. I had to go see her in treatment on each of my birthdays. I had to go get her out of jail after her DUI. Trust me, I’ve been in their shoes. I understand what they are going through and what they have sacrificed to me. But I feel like there needs to be a conversation to be had where there is an agreement of whatever is acceptable for me to do or not do while living in their household. It is why I brought up the conversation of me going to sing karaoke. I told her I would not drink or do any of that. I was ultimately looking for her blessing to go, not that I was saying I was going to do anything. I ended up not going out at all in respect for my parents. I do love and appreciate them more than you would know. I think there are lots of ways I can improve and be better and a better child of God. I’m sorry you don’t feel like I give Jesus a try. I put a lot on display for the world to see, but not everything. My relationship with Christ is not something I’m completely comfortable with sharing like you do. I admit there is truth to what you are saying. Yes it is harsh but I appreciate your way of showing that you care.
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