I have come to the understanding that my words don’t always come out the way that I mean to say them. I have always treated this blog as it was my own personal diary. So most of the content I mention goes through no filter and no type of editing. I say things as I see them. So this means a lot of what I have to say may not be technically correct. My mother had a therapist years ago that always said that everyone has their own set of binoculars. Everyone’s view through their own binoculars are quite different than those who are right next to you. He is talking about perception.
Not to mention everybody’s senses are different including vision, but not limited to. With that being said, not everybody who reads my blog will agree with me or my viewpoints and that is okay! I am not here to appease anyone. I am here to talk about my own experiences with mental health, grow, and learn something new each and every day. However, I do realize others are entitled to their own thoughts and opinions specifically about myself, my views, this blog, and whatever else I write about.
I received a comment on my last post that was somewhat harsh, but there was some truth to what they claimed and I knew ultimately it was coming from a good place. It discussed my lack of sacrifice in regard to my parents and how I handle myself in regard to them, supposedly absolving myself of any accountability for my actions and words and using others to pick up the pieces, independence (or lack thereof), and my relationship with God.
At first, I became very angry and then I thought about the words that he said and I calmed down. A year ago, this very comment would have triggered me to do some unthinkable things, but when I looked at the message, I was in the car with my parents and sister on my way to see family. I composed myself and my sister asked what was wrong. She tried playing devil’s advocate and suggested this message could be one from God in order to get these concepts into my head. She asked if he was coming from a good place and I said yes, as to most people do or are coming from a helpful place.
I guess it kind of came down to that I need to be more precise with my words, maybe I shouldn’t blog about every little detail in case something (like my last blog post) could be taken out of context. I either need to be more blunt and honest, or withhold more information because I don’t want others to get the wrong impression of a situation.
In my last post, I ranted about my mom not wanting me to go out and sing karaoke. I was very upset because I felt confined to this house. Yes I do live with my parents and despite what you may think, I do respect and honor them immensely. Instead of leaving the house without them having any idea of my whereabouts, I asked them if my actions would be okay. My mom and I got into an argument and despite our disagreement, we moved on and I stayed home because my going out was a trigger for her. I am all about gaining trust back and I know it’s a long road ahead for both of us to earn trust back so I wasn’t about to sacrifice it on one night out.
I voiced in my post that I was angry and that I wanted to be independent and do as I please. I was ranting and wanted to feel heard. I did not intend for it to come across that I must have things my way or the highway or anything like that. I comprehend and immensely appreciate the sacrifices my family has made for me despite me not deserving it. I think about their unconditional love for me constantly. I know that my parents absolutely do not need to provide me shelter, give me food, buy me things, or anything else. I thank them verbally and give them gifts or make items for them that they need or want to show thanks. I know it can come across as though I am an unappreciative bratty twat, but they know I appreciate them and their being there for me.
I have always stated that I am accountable for my own actions. Just because I have bipolar disorder does not give me an excuse for my words and actions, rather it gives me a reason for them. Because I am accountable for my actions and words, I am subject to ridicule, subject to thoughts and reasoning from others. I accept and take full accountability for what I say and do and its inherent effects that these things have on others. It is why I am writing about this very topic because I feel obligated to clear the air if there was any misconception especially in regard to how I treat my own family. I know that I am not perfect nor have I always said or done the “right” thing for all parties involved. But I own it. I say, “Hey, I did that, it was maybe not the best choice, but what can I do to make things right?”
Independence is something I have struggled with for a long time. I strive to be as independent as possible, but with moving back home after having no where to go after one of my break up’s with Diego and going through some hardships like my car accident and foot and leg surgery, I’ve needed more help than I would like. I am slowly gaining my independence back but it’s hard because financially I am broke because I didn’t qualify for government assistance for my surgery since I didn’t work enough hours in fiscal year 2020. I have had to borrow more money than I like. If it weren’t for my parents, I would be screwed royally. So to answer anyone’s burning question, I am not independent in a lot of ways; I still live at home, borrow money, and have little responsibility while I am here. But I recognize my privilege and am working toward being more independent. I suppose it’s hard for those who are so fiercely independent or older to fathom how much help I have been given, maybe thinking it’s not fair. But nothing in life is fair. I would love to be in a position where I can take care of myself and not bother anyone else, but I am not there yet. That’s okay.
Last, but not least, my relationship with God. I was questioned in my reliance on the Lord because I bring up God every now and again, but never consistently. I never want to push my beliefs upon anyone because my blog isn’t about God or any one religion, it’s about my mental health journey. Plus, in my humble opinion, my relationship with God isn’t one I need to broadcast to hundreds of people over the internet. If you don’t believe in God, that is your choice, but I do not want to deter people from reading about mental health because of me writing about my own relationship with God which is private.
For those of you who must know, I was baptized at 15 years old in the Puget Sound. I do not believe in religion, but rather, a relationship with Christ. I am a very flawed individual and I work at my relationship with Him every single day. Do I go to church? No. Do I read the Bible on a consistent basis? No. Do I prayer regularly? Absolutely. I aim to live a better life every single day and I pray that He leads my steps and that I am living the life He wants me to live. From the time I was 15 til now, my belief in God did a 180. I went from not believing at all to being a God fearing woman. I constantly refer to and recite Psalms 51:10 which states, “Create in me a clean heart O God and restore a steadfast spirit within me.” My interpretation of that verse is that God can and will renew me day by day, or minute by minute as long as I aim to pursue Him.
So no, I am not a bible thumping Christian who condemns others for their actions or inactions. We all sin and have wrong doings. I am working on mine and trying to become a better person each day. Are you?
I should probably get off my soap box because I think I made my point.