After my 2am wake up call and I uploaded a new blog post, I went back to sleep, but I kept waking up restless. I kept thrashing around and couldn’t get comfortable. I also didn’t put my cpap machine back on, so that probably played a big part in the lack of rest in the latter part of the night.
I woke up and went to physical therapy and she gave me exercises and massaged a little bit of the edema out of my foot. I am supposed to buy another pair of compression socks and elevate my foot as much as possible, not to mention flex my foot as high and low as it can go.
My foot feels better than it has as of late. I got home and elevated my foot while watching trashy reality tv with my mom. Diego worked until about 3pm so I called him and asked if he could pick me up and we could go to his house.
He picks me up and we go home. We started a kind of sensitive topic which continued all the way home and to the dog park and back. He told me he didn’t want me to help him with anything financially because he was afraid that I would hold it against him. At this point he didn’t trust me to buy a house together, or share the dog, or to have a mutual checking account together.
I asked him why he was with me if he didn’t trust me with some pretty crucial items in a long term relationship. He said when I was younger, I had a lot of drive and motivation. I had a big inheritance and had the potential to buy my own house while working two jobs and going to school. Even when I went to the shipyard, I made a lot of money so I paid off my car in half the time, built up my credit, and even though I hated the shipyard, I still showed up, anxious to learn and went to school to get my pay raises.
The kicker was this: he said that everything really changed when I cheated on him. I went through jobs like they were underwear and had no passion nor drive to continue the path I so desperately wanted for myself and for our lives together. We had so many relationship issues because I changed so much and did a 180 on him.
I asked again why he was with me if that’s how he felt. He said that the Dani he once knew and loved is still there and he was gonna find her.
I didn’t cry, but I have definitely been reflecting a lot on what he said.
I think he fails to realize that shortly before I cheated on him, I was newly diagnosed bipolar and hadn’t found the right cocktail of medication quite yet. My mother was very newly sober and I was rebuilding a relationship with her that wasn’t toxic. I developed a sever gambling problem that eventually took my inheritance. I went through a traumatic injury to my ankle that required three surgeries in three years. That put every life plan on hold and I am just now getting back on top of my life.
I am still forced to rebuild trust with Diego every day and somehow convince him and show him I will/would not every cheat again. It’s been almost four years and he still isn’t over it. I have to convince everybody everyday that I will never gamble nor drink nor smoke weed. Once you lose trust, it is so hard to regain it and I want for him so badly to trust me like he did. But all I can do is be patient and do my best in all aspects of my life.
He has every right to feel the way he feels, but I can feel myself getting frustrated with the situation because I want to be able to move on and truly be a team like we once were. I know we can get to that point, but I feel like now I am not doing enough. However, I am about to start not one, but two jobs. I am starting school in a month, but none of that matters to Diego. He sees I am trying to plan long term yet I am just spinning my wheels, not going anywhere; spuddling, if you will.
This conversation with Diego somewhat empowered me to do better, yet I also feel defeated. I feel like he isn’t working on his issues and there are issues he should be working on. I am not throwing in the towel but I am kind of upset if I am being completely honest with myself.
I mean, I am taking my medication every day for four plus months without fail, I have been sober for three months as of yesterday, I stopped gambling in what will be ten months on the 14th. I have a goal of going to school and working two jobs to reduce the clusterfuck of debt that I am in for past poor choices. I am righting the wrongs of my life, I am paying off debt, taking one day and one thing at a time. I don’t know what more I could be doing in order for him to feel comfortable with the idea that we should and will one day get married. If he can’t come to that conclusion, that he wants to marry me for me, then this will never work. Yeah I’ve fucked up a lot these past three years, but I think I am on the other side of it all now. I am not tempted to leave Diego for another man. I am not tempted to dump him when an issue arises. I want to make things work.
I think if Diego did some work on himself, he would recognize the challenges I have had and what I have overcome. But I can’t ask him to change; I must accept what I cannot change which is other people and their choices or actions. All I can do is change and improve on myself. It’s not like I am being stagnant in the slightest. I am trying to do better and I pray that others will one day recognize that. I am very fortunate in a lot of ways. I have a lot of privilege, but that never goes unnoticed or unappreciated by me. I am working on becoming more and more independent. I am getting a handle on my debt and my weight. I am building my Precarious Aquarius empire one blog at a time. I am one day going to be a recipient of a Bachelor’s of Science in Psychology. I am strong, I am a fighter, and I am relentless!
To all of those who may doubt you, show them your best self, your best 110% effort. You gotta prove them mofo’s wrong, now don’t you? That’s what I am doing, at least.