Adjusting to Abundence

Taken by me; circa 2017

I have been adjusting to my medication change well, I think. At first, there was a change to my emotions, going from feeling fine, almost apathetic all the time to having mood swings to having the curve flatten and being more even keeled.

Today was good for the most part. I haven’t been craving alcohol or weed, even though it’s a holiday weekend. But I usually don’t celebrate holidays like 4th of July because frankly, they give me some PTSD from when my mother drank and she would ruin holidays with her alcoholism. We would have to worry about where she was, what she was doing, etc. Now I don’t have to deal with taking care of someone else, I am still left with not the greatest memories with any holiday so I am basically a party pooper who should just stay home.

I got home this morning around 6am before Diego had to go to work. I slept in until 11:30am. Mom and I watched our crappy reality tv show for a few hours until I got a notification on my phone that one of my clothing items were gonna sell via Facebook marketplace. I sold one of my Mariner jerseys, not my newest one, but one I have had for seven years, that was in decent condition.

I called Diego on my way to meet the gal if he wanted to walk the waterfront with Poncho and catch Pokemon on the app, Pokemon Go like we used to do. He was falling asleep even though it was only 7pm at this point. But, he does work in the grocery business and I know the 3rd is the busiest, highest sales day of the entire year, so I know how exhausted he must be. Knowing how busy it was, after I sold my jersey, I went to the store for my parents and got a watermelon, potatoes for potato salad, some fruit, and chips for the holiday. I also went to the vape shop and stocked up on my nicotine products for the next month. And I still have some mad money left over!

I am hoping to sell some more things between now and the 15th of the month because that’s when I need to come up with at least $250 to complete this month’s car payment. Not to mention the latter half of my bills for the month. I have to return a pair of Nike’s I ordered off Amazon because they are too snug. Usually, 6.5 sized shoes would fit perfectly, but with how swollen my feet have been, it’s not gonna work. Plus, I have enough shoes as it is, even though these were very cute.

In other news, my foot swelling has gone down by 95%, so it’s just the top of my foot that is still pretty swollen. The exercises and massages have helped return blood flow and reduce the edema. I have been wearing real people shoes outside of the house and I had to take off all of the laces yesterday and today I was able to use laces tie them up kind of tight without dying of discomfort! I will continue to do as my physical therapist says and I ordered some compression socks so they should be here after the holiday weekend.

Today I was a little sad because I know one of my older friends is getting married and I saw her bridal shower on Instagram, but I wasn’t invited. My sister was there along with some of my good lady friends who have distanced themselves from me. I am not sure why, honestly. I can’t say if it’s my bipolar or because my sister and I aren’t that close and everyone chose my sister’s side or what. It just makes me sad because I only have a few close friends that I can turn to; but not really any lady friends. I would like to become close again with the ones I am friends with, but it’s hard for me to reach out in fear of rejection.

Diego always says it’s my fault because I don’t keep up with people, I don’t check in or maintain friendships. But in my defense, none of these people who are supposedly my friends do that either. I can’t be the only one who puts in effort; it’s a two way street. I do admit I could try harder than I have in the past, but if the other person doesn’t want to, what’s the point in trying? I feel as though all of these shitty things have happened to me or I did them to myself and others are like, “Well that’s too much to handle, she’s too high maintenance or she’s too manic” or whatever.

It’s also hard being broke and not being able to do anything. My old friends all drink and now that I am three months sober as of the 31st/1st of the month, I can’t relate or be around other drunk people. I mean, I could be around them and be the only sober one, but it’s hard to not jeopardize my sobriety in the name of socialization. There are a lot of things I would like to do but until I have more sobriety underneath my belt, I can’t do them like doing karaoke or going out with friends who all will drink. I need to get to an AA meeting and make new, sober friends. I am lonely. Not like I don’t have Diego or other friends, I am not discounting them in the slightest, but I need good, sober lady friends.

Overall, I feel strong where I am at now. I feel a little lonely, but not empty like I did. I am working on myself first and foremost because I can’t be a good friend to others until I am a good friend to myself. I am righting all the wrongs and I am making my self renewed and refreshed. I am three months sober, almost ten months sober from gambling, I am taking everything one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. My bipolar has been more stable and I feel more like myself since I had the reduction in Lithium. I actually have feelings now. I fixed my sleep. I have better sleep now in 5 hours versus my 13 hours of sleep without a machine assisting me. I am able to hold and keep up conversations. I am trying to work out my health and fitness. I have been getting at least 3,000 steps everyday and I am attempting to eat better. Life is good. I pray everyday and I am looking to strengthen my relationship with Christ because I know He will provide and take care of my needs and desires.

I’ll end it here for now, but I hope you all have a safe holiday and enjoy yourselves 🙂

Much love,

Dani

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