Sure I say that I have been working on myself and that I have changed, but have I really?

When over at Diego’s house, we got into an argument about how I have changed in respect of him and I if I was talking to all the same old people I used to talk to and whatnot. I told him there was no guarantee that Diego and I could make things work and he said the same about us; that there was no guarantee from me, on my end that I would put in the work to make things work, which is why we aren’t together.

It’s like we both want each other to take that first initial leap of faith. I want Diego to confirm that my efforts will one day be rewarded by marriage, whereas Diego wants me to confirm I will take all the steps necessary to begin a relationship and rebuild trust and commitment. My end is much harder than his end. All he would have to do is propose after I have reestablished trust. But I must not talk to any guys who aren’t my true friend(s), which isn’t hard to do, but if I am taking that first initial leap of faith, I want to know that there is a relationship that is going to come out of it. I must also show commitment, faith, display trust and be trustworthy, and good communication.

The question is: is he my forever? Or do I deserve someone who will treat me right and treat me with respect? Not to say that Diego doesn’t treat me well or doesn’t respect me, because he does well in those areas, but can I find someone who meets my criteria more closely? I don’t want to settle nor does Diego want me to feel as though I am settling for him. But part of me also feels like I will find someone better, who loves me more, tells me all the right things, etc.

I am struggling with this so much because Diego was the first love of my life, I am not sure if I could ever find someone remotely comparable to the way Diego makes me feel on the inside and outside. With that being said though, there are times he has made me feel like utter trash about myself. But through thick and thin, we have forgiven each other so many times and I truly want to change for the better for him. I think once I start putting in the work to change and be better, he will make the decision to do the same for us.

….

I ended up deleting and blocking the random people on my phone. I deleted the dating apps. I am working on myself for me, not for anybody else. If I want to give myself a fair shot in becoming a better person, I don’t need to be bogged down with people who don’t care about me nor respect me.

I think I do want to make things work with Diego. Maybe I’m crazy, and maybe I’m being foolish, but I don’t fathom my life without him. He’s my best friend. I am not sure, but if I believed in a such thing such as soul mates, I would like to believe he is mine.

Maybe this doesn’t work out, and that’s okay. If I don’t try to give this an honest shot, I wouldn’t forgive myself.

I have a tendency of giving up when things get tough or I feel like I’m not getting something in return for my efforts. For example, I tried for four months to make our relationship work last time, but it wasn’t constantly rewarded with affirmations or the promise of marriage, so I backed out. But just because I’m doing what’s right doesn’t mean I need to be constantly reaffirmed that I am doing the right thing.

With that being said, it will be hard work to make things work, but I want to put in the time, I want him to feel special, and I want to give this a honest shot at working out.

Diego and I sure have had our ups and downs, but that’s the way with any relationship. I’m over here again today and I am blogging at the kitchen table while he plays video games in the living room. We are in sight of each other through the adjoining hallway. It feels like old times. We got Taco Bell, I took a nap, while he played his game. It seems bittersweet to me. We are doing our own activities, but together in the same space. Or relatively similar space.

I want a shot at being happy together. We shared some really good times together and I want to see if those feelings and times can be rekindled. We shall see… time will only tell.

Much love,

Dani