Changed for the better

Photo by Michelle Leman on

I always contemplated in my life what changes I have done over the years are for better or for worse. How can one tell?

I mostly ask this because I have made the decision to temporarily stop drinking and smoking weed, but I am not sure if it’s going to be a forever change. Due to some incidents I am not ready to yet disclose, my lawyer told me I should sought out drug and alcohol counseling for the incident that occurred.

I did so. I got evaluated by a drug and alcohol counselor and I was completely honest and vulnerable with him about my habits prior to the 30th of March. I said I was bipolar and wasn’t sure if I would ever drink again. He didn’t deem me to have a drug or alcohol problem of any kind. He did say it could become problematic, my drinking, just because alcohol doesn’t mix the greatest with my medication for the bipolar disorder.

Does this mean I am an alcoholic? No. Does it mean I have to be celibate forever? Only if I want to be.

I struggle with this issue because the temptation was there when I visited Diego and I am not sure if I want to give up alcohol forever. If he even remotely sensed I had an addiction, it would have showed in the report, but it didn’t. If I thought I had a problem, I would never drink again and be content with that.

But I made a simple mistake. I am now paying the price for that mistake, but is my sobriety actually better for me in all aspects: physically, mentally, and emotionally? That I am not sure.

For activities such as gambling, I know that gambling is better left in the past because I have no sense of time or money when I walk in through those doors. I will liquidate everything I have if it means I could play longer. Which is why I am clean of gambling and hope to never be tempted to go back to it.

However, most people I talk to about my own situation, they never deemed me to have a drug or an alcohol problem. But those who also know me, know that my psyche has been very clear, I am very with it and not diluted down due to those sort of substances.

So I am at this crossroads of when the time comes, will I ever drink again? All I can do is give it up to God and pray about what His will is for me. Because I sure as hell don’t know what I want to do.

In other news, I completed my new student orientation for college, which was exciting. I now have to meet with an academic advisor for an advising session to figure out my first semester for my bachelor’s degree.

I also have my first post operative appointment tomorrow morning so I will get my stitches out and will get a more durable cast on. I am excited to get these stupid and itchy stitches out. I can tell it’s healing pretty well from its itchiness, but it still sucks nonetheless.

Lots of things are leaning on this doctor’s appointment. If I can get my leave extended out 12 weeks rather than 4, I will have a more successful recovery than if I had to return to work in a week and a half. My work says they will accommodate me, but they won’t really because if I am there, they will expect me to run around, which I obviously can’t do on crutches.

So I am going to give the doctor paid family medical leave paperwork to sign so I can get paid by the state for my loss time. Doc will determine when I can go back to work. If I have it my way, I won’t have to return til the beginning of August and I would get paid the whole time. If that’s the case, I am going to leave the car business and try to find something more local that will work with my school schedule. School starts August 23rd so it doesn’t leave me a lot of time to find a job, but I’ll figure it out.

Well that’s all the news and information I have for today.

Until next time,


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