Fatigued

Photo by Mariana Montrazi on Pexels.com

Tonight I am tired of being alone. Lately, the loneliness hasn’t plagued me, but tonight after watching a melancholy chick flick, the feels are in full force.

I turned the movie off now because I started crying… not so much at the situation that the movie possessed, but more so I miss going to someone and them being my everything. It seems silly, I know. I have God, my Lord and Savior, but I am craving a life partner in crime who knows me as I know them, who can communicate well, and we can rely on each other through and through.

I saw Diego, my ex, today. He came and visited me and it was nice. We cuddled for quite some time and I guess my feelings are getting the best of me because I miss the good times that he and I had together. I miss our house and our dog, Poncho. I miss waking up next to the both of them everyday and making breakfast and all of the small things.

We talked a couple of days prior and as much as we want each other to be our “soulmate”, it’s just not meant to be.

Having him over was kind of a fluke. I texted him something funny my dad said to me and he says he could come over and visit. So he helped me shower and we talked and watched YouTube videos together. It seemed normal; almost blissful.

But now I sit here alone and lonely, trying to hold back my tears. I just hate sleeping alone and I feel like the world is coming down on me. No, I’m not gonna do something stupid, but I am just lonely and I despise it. I miss sharing my bed with Diego and our puppy, even though I never had any room on the bed. I miss the things that used to drive me crazy.

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

I wish there was a cure all to loneliness, but all I can do at 2 am is try to sleep it off and feel better in the morning. Part of me wants to dwell in the sadness so it can fuel my creative energy, which is the only reason I am blogging at all.

I am just thinking about all of the dating apps that I am on and it’s honestly pointless because they are all apps where guys are looking for sex and now that I am sober and looking for a long term relationship, there are no guys who at the very least want a long term relationship.

I am at a loss on how to meet people and develop any sort of relationship now that I am sober and the online world is a bust. It’s also hard to meet people in the midst of this pandemic and although restrictions are being lifted, it is still encouraged to stay home and not go out if possible.

I am sick of being vulnerable with people who in return, screw me over. I don’t want to be jaded, but in order to set boundaries for myself, maybe being jaded has some perks.

But I digress. I think I’m going to try a sleep.

Much love,

Dani

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