I have been up since 3am due to pain from my foot and leg surgery. No matter how long I ice the kneecap above my cast, no matter how long or high I elevate my foot, no matter how many pain killers I take, the more pain I am in. I can’t take more than 2 at a time, and it was only around 3pm today that I took 2 pills rather than my usual one. But the Percocet makes me itch to high heavens and is annoying.

I have been talking to this older guy who is a drug and alcohol counselor who has been sober for 18 years and we went out on a couple of dates. Last week, he was trying to push me away so neither of us would get hurt and I was devastated when he told me he didn’t want to see me anymore. I had grown fond of him and to through it away for an insecurity of age was really disheartening. He texted me early this week to see how things were. I acted quite cold to him because he had hurt me so much.

He asked if I would give him a second chance, so I did, naively so. My lack of jadedness really gets in the way of my saying “no” sometimes.

I went over there on Thursday afternoon after I got my car back from the body shop. Mind you, he lives like an hour plus away from me, so I make the big trek there and back. Which was actually nice considering I haven’t driven my car since I wrecked it. He told me he wanted to be with me and wanted to be exclusive and that he wouldn’t hurt me again.

That was all fine and dandy until today he texts me that he has too much personal stuff going on to be in a relationship. So now I am upset for a SECOND time. I told him at least he got his rocks off with a young hot girl twice before he dumped me. He resented me for saying that because apparently it was never about the sex and it wasn’t me, it was him all along. Like oh whatever. He can kiss my fat ass.

Well if he comes to change his mind, it’s way too little too late. I am over it.

Then I get a text from Diego last night saying that he was happy to help my mom get me into the house after I was delirious on pain killers. But after he said that, Diego said he wanted to go our separate ways and not talk or do anything together.

I knew we had grown distant especially within the past few months due to our most recent break up, but I didn’t think we were ever going to stop being in each other’s lives forever. Diego said he knew I was happy for once in my life and he wanted the same for himself. It still made me sad that he felt as though we had no future together and that I didn’t love him enough because that was the furthest from the truth. I used his love language to care for him; I cooked, cleaned, etc. But it seems to me it was never enough. Either that or just genuinely thought I didn’t love him like he loved me.

This is a chapter that’s been needing to close for quite some time, but I think after Tuesday, when I give him his Nintendo Switch back, then that will be the last time we will talk and that breaks my heart to pieces because he was, still is and always will be, the love of my life.

I wish we both could have done things differently, but it’s a little too late for that. Surgery is a cock block for me anyways considering my cast is bulkier and heavier than I am., so it’s best I don’t deal with men at the moment and not for a long while after my recovering.

I had a lot of time to myself when my car was in the shop for the past month. Now I got even more time cooped up in the house to reflect on what I want in my next relationship. And how school is going to work out. Figure out my recovery time. Keep up with the good work in reducing my mood swings. Taking my medicine. Finding a therapist. Using coping mechanisms. Reflect. Figure out how to take over the world, ya know, just girly things. Lol.

On another note, I will be trying to post once a day at the very least since I am home all the time, I have no excuse to not blog!

Well this has been a pretty productive rant, so I guess it’s time to sign off and try to take a nap if I can even get comfortable enough to do so!

Much love,

Dani