I’ve been on several dates this week, talked to several different people, and they all said the same thing: you have to be happy within yourself and less self destructive before you enter in a relationship with another man.
It seems rather obvious if you have been reading this blog for any length of time, but now these bells are ringing for me quite loud and clear. I was talking to Chris on Wednesday of last week and he basically said a relationship between he and I wasn’t feasible until I became less self destructive and began to care about myself more. It’s not that he didn’t trust me or care about me, because he does. He becomes very jealous with the fact that I am going on as many dates as I am. But until I fix what’s right in front of my eyes, get more financially stable, and become happy with myself, no relationship with anyone would be possible.
I was trying not to shut down during the conversation, but he could tell I was bothered by what he was saying. After I took a few minutes to regroup and think, I told him that it was hard for me to care about myself when it seemed like no one else did. I told him that I wanted to get married and have a family young because my purpose in life is to care for others; myself not included. It helps me to care for myself when I have others to take care of, which is backwards, yes I know.
I also told him that it feels impossible to catch up. I’ve done so many wrong things in my life that every step forward, I still move three steps back in some capacity. I am getting a grip on my finances, I am going to start this job pretty soon and although I won’t be making much money, it’s better than no paycheck at all. I fucked up this quarter in school, I will pass my English 102 class and I will get partial credits for the work I did in math, but I didn’t do as hard of work as I was capable doing. Still waiting to hear back from Washington State University, but that all is still pending.
Before I went over to Chris’ house, I went over to Diego’s. I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. He essentially told me that he will always love me, but hates so much of what I did and how I hurt him. I then took our dog, Poncho and crawled into my old bed and crashed for five hours. Diego tried to wake me up several times, but I wasn’t having it. He had to go to work that night and next thing I knew, he moved my car because I was blocking him in. I woke up to a text saying to lock up when I left and to let Poncho out and feed him dinner. I did so because Poncho is my little lovey and he means the world to me.
I left feeling like shit, and then heard the difficult conversation from Chris and left for home that night after having a severe panic attack after the series of conversations.
On Friday, I hung out with Chris again and I get a text from a guy named Justin. We had prior history together and we talked two weeks ago, but we never hung out. He said he was going through a lot because he had a chest tumor removed last year and might be medically discharged from the navy and needed to have a game plan, but had none.
Justin and I hung out early on Saturday and he said he didn’t want a relationship because he needed to figure his life out. I asked why he texted me if he didn’t want something more than sex. He said and I quote, “you slept with me several times before I had the tumor, so I figured you would come back for more.” After explaining that wasn’t why I was there, he said I should make my intentions more clear with the men I was intending to date, that way I got what I wanted.
Here’s the thing: people lie. Sure, you can ask what the other person is looking for and they can agree with you and say they want a relationship. But after you go out a few times, have sex, and they ultimately get what they wanted, then they ghost you.
After having this rather blunt conversation with sailor Justin, I left to meet Chris at karaoke. It had a posh ambience at the bar and good food, but definitely was not a karaoke joint. Sunday morning I left Chris’ house to get coffee with my sister and my mom.
That went as well as it could. After a rough few days, the last thing I needed was extended family time so my mom and sister could ask me if I was dating and Chris, state why I should, and then say they think I’ll end up with Diego like I always do.
Then speak of the devil, Diego texts me. He asks if I am alright because he had never seen me fall asleep so hard and quickly as I did when I was over there. I asked why he cared. He said he always cared, always loved me, and always would. Diego wrote that that until I loved myself, I wouldn’t be happy in a relationship or even on my own. He said he’s letting me figure my stuff out and appreciates and enjoys when we talk and hang out, etc.
I told him until I figured everything out, I couldn’t make any type of relationship work with him. I told him I loved him dearly and he would always be the love of my life. Love was never the issue between us and he knew that.
He said this was different. He invited me over, so I called him because I didn’t have the money in gas to go out there. He was stoned. He had been getting stoned a lot, which I don’t like. I asked if he wanted to watch me sing karaoke and we decided against it because he wouldn’t drink and he said I could drink at his house.
I hung up shortly after that. I ended up doing karaoke last night with a friend of mine. I had a ball. This was definitely a dive bar, right up my alley. I sang five times and may or may not have done a strip tease on stage. There were some girls at the bar who got on stage with me and we danced as I sang. My voice was shot near the end and I was a little drunk, so I texted Chris to come out. He got mad that I was on a date. I said it wasn’t like that… the dude I was with was hitting on the older woman we were sitting with and Chris wasn’t having it. In hindsight, I can’t blame him. But I told him he was missing out and left it at that.
Today I am at home and my voice is recuperating from Twist and Shout, Pour Some Sugar on Me, Feeling Good, Let’s Get it on, and Rock your body.
I have a lot to do around the house and probably should get on that…
As much as I love to write and avoid my other responsibilities, duty calls.