Tuesday

I feel like I am drowning again.. I can’t get out and no one seems to care. I feel as though I am looking for love in all the wrong places and maybe I am. I am thinking of getting off all my dating apps for a while. It’s been and becoming more toxic. I go on dates nearly every night of the week and none of them care about me; they care about what’s in my pants. They want to have sex and leave because they got what they wanted.

I feel used but that’s only because I am letting them use me. Society is so self centered these days and along with that comes the lack of respect for others. I am so jaded, yet not, at the same time. After I went on not one, but two unsuccessful dates last evening, and I was blowing off steam. I get a call from a guy friend of mine. We have had a history for years, but someone I would normally trust and confide in.

I was joking with him earlier and sent him some selfies because I was feeling good about the way the day went, well with how it started out. This girl is on the other end of the line, being obnoxious and she was mocking me and she said certain things about my photos and she was trolling me, essentially. I called her an air headed cunt and she got all mad and said I was entitled to my feelings but it wasn’t okay to call her a cunt.

I was irate at this point. I was already in a shitty mood. I didn’t need this bullshit. I asked for her to put Tyler on the phone. I asked what was going on and then the cunt gets back on the phone and goes off on me, so I hung up.

He texted me to apologize and that she took his phone and it was his bad. I asked if he had lost his mind. He asked if I was okay and I straight up told him I was irate. I asked why he was trying to fuck with me when he knew I was going through some stuff and the fact that he shared my information and messages with some bitch made me angry. I ended the conversation on a high note and told him to tell her that she was an indeed a cunt and I wasn’t sorry I said it, nor would I be taking it back.

He has yet to respond and I think he’s now in hot water with not only me, but with his fuck buddy. A little background about Tyler and I: I worked with his roommate at the grocery store. I went bowling with Tyler, some coworkers and myself and I thought he was attractive but I was with Diego. We ended up hanging out after Diego and I’s first break up three years ago and we have been friends ever since. We only keep in touch when I am single, but we have been through some stuff together.

I got cross faded at his house when I was 20 or 21 and he had two roommates at the time. One was an old co worker and one was his co worker. His co worker was always very jealous that I hung out with Tyler and always was attracted to me, but I found him creepy. I ended up laying down in a room upstairs in the house because I was messed up and needed to sleep it off. Tyler’s coworker ended up coming up the stairs and molesting me and tried to take off my clothes. My old co worker and Tyler knew that this creepy guy had no reason to be where I was. I blacked out at some point so I am not sure on how that ended but I remember through the moments of brief clarity that he did grope my breasts and fingered me and tried to get hard to fuck me, but was too fucked up to do so.

The next day the two guys talked to said creepy guy about it. He said he had no recollection of the matter, which I find to be bullshit. I never pressed charges because I didn’t want to deal with the situation. It was after getting raped and to think these two other guys would have cared enough about my well being to stop what was going on is beyond me.

Tyler is well aware of this event happening and apologized on his behalf to me and for not being more proactive. I forgave Tyler, but tonight his lack of care triggered me to this event where he didn’t stop me from getting molested and groped. I broke down. Nobody cares about me. I don’t even care about myself. It was my fault, my fault, my fault. I caused me to get raped, I shouldn’t have gotten cross faded at that party.

Tears are running down my face and I am sobbing. I wanted to die. I needed help. I wanted someone to care about me. Not about me sexually, but who truly cared.

Now I know I have good friends but this happened near midnight last night and it was late. I felt alone and like I couldn’t reach out even though that wasn’t the case.

Worthless, worthless, worthless.

It didn’t help that the guy I went on a date with earlier that evening took me to the bathroom and asked to fuck in front of the mirror. Forcing me to look at myself in the eyes through the reflection as he had sex with me from behind. I couldn’t do it. I took one look at myself and it brought me back to June 13, 2018; the day I was raped in front of the mirror and he held my face against my own reflection, thrusting into my anus without my consent. Quieting my screams with the pressure of his hand until I passed out on the floor and continued to fuck me in the shower.

That fucking cunt.

The day I was raped was the first day I became jaded in my life. The witnesses never reported the incident. That man runs free due to fear. Nobody would believe me if I told the police. Just the reason why I didn’t report Tyler’s friend when I was molested at a later date. I am expected to fit a mold as a “rape survivor”.

I am supposed to be proud when I am meek. I am supposed to shut up when asked about it to respect my rapist’s integrity and autonomy. When asked about it, I laugh rather than cry; not a normal response. I am nonchalant to the point it chills my bones numb. I am supposed to jump into bed with any man I meet like I had never been raped at all.

I am not over the fact that these events did in fact happen to me. I need therapy. And soon.

Wednesday

Wednesday was better. I feel better, more like myself. Tyler apologized profusely and said his lady friend was trying to troll someone and when she came across our messages on his phone, she became very jealous and yes she was trying to be malicious. I guess he explained my situation to her and today she felt terrible, because she should. She’s still a cunty twat.

I got a job offer as a quality assurance manager for Honda. It was kind of a fluke, how it all happened. I was getting my Kia Sportage serviced and I dropped by Honda for a second to pick up a referral check I was owed for referring my parents to this particular dealership. They said they couldn’t get me my check for whatever reason and they asked if I wanted to trade in my Kia and make a stupid, stupid deal and I said I wouldn’t qualify for another auto loan because I am on unemployment. They asked if I wanted a job there and I said fuck it, let’s make it happen.

Next thing I know I’m sitting at a computer and filling out an application. I talked to the general manager and they said it was all up to corporate at this point. After my oil got changed, I started to drive home when I get a call from the general manager saying they were interviewing several others, but wanted me to turn around and interview. I was wearing jeans, Nike’s, and a t-shirt; not my Sunday best.

I interviewed and basically in this position, I would be the go between the new and used car departments, and parts and service. I talked to those getting parts and service to try to connect them to a new or used car salesman and out the door in a newer vehicle. I would be hourly plus commission, thirty hours a week, Monday through Friday.

I used my sweet talk to seem eager to learn about the car business. I am good at interviews, tend to make very intentional eye contact and head nod at the appropriate times; skills I don’t normally use in regular life.

On the phone, they seemed very excited and eager to hire me, I doubt they had very many other applicants if at all. Essentially I checked all the boxes. Basically I got to be in touch with HR to set up my hourly rate and start date and whatnot.

To celebrate, my friend Chris who I go to karaoke with and went to San Diego for last September invited me over for drinks. I wanted to go bowling or do something fun, but we talked a lot and I ordered pizza. I spent the night because my dad asked that he took my keys if we were gonna drink a lot. I just got home a little after 5am because he had to work a ten hour day today. We are both a little hungover from the whiskey.

I know Chris cares for me, but I am not sure he wants a relationship with me. He is like Diego in a lot of ways, but not in a negative way. He is very mature, analytical, and all about self improvement. He is a great communicator which is good, but at the same time, he can be confrontational about what I am doing wrong. I cannot stand confrontation and being told what to do or how to live my life. Something I need to work on, but it’s a process.

I know he would be good for me which is almost why I don’t want to date him. My parents love him and think he’s a good guy. He loves all the things I love like karaoke, singing, dancing, going out, bar hopping, and sports. He is supportive of my blog, my writing, and artistic ways. He doesn’t always understand my bipolar disorder, but he will hold me when I cry and says the right things to me.

Oh! Not only that, but I got the results of my MRI back for my left ankle. I do not *immediately* need surgery. We are going to try to put a steroid shot in my tendon that is close to rupturing, but hasn’t ruptured quite yet. Then maybe go into a hard cast and use crutches to get around in order to force the postibular tendon to heal. If all else fails, we do another extensive surgery where they graft tendons from my foot and repair and replace the ruptured one. Surgery is a last result because it would be a 12+ week recovery depending on the extent of the damage.

The results of the MRI were not much because I have so much hardware in my foot that it’s hard to see much of anything else. Another piece of good news is that my knee cartilage graft that is now in my ankle is doing quite well. Because to undo that surgery and start fresh would be.. not ideal to say the least.

In two days, things have done a 180, thank the Lord.

Much love,

Dani