And the truth is… I miss you

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I have slept about three hours tonight and this is the first night with a severe lack of sleep since I left for my San Diego trip on Wednesday the 16th. It is now the 22nd where I have returned back to Washington. My first day of real recovery from surgery.

I think the only reason I slept good yesterday was because of the anesthesia. But before that, I was finally not sleeping alone for the first time in over a month. And it was with someone who did/does truly care for me, which is a huge difference than having a one night stand or getting so drunk you can’t go home that same night.

There were a couple nights that I couldn’t sleep, but even then, I would take a nap with Chris which would rest me up for the day’s adventure. I am still very confused by the whole ordeal, but I keep getting told that there is indeed potential… upon his return. I think we both gave each other a lot of options and things to consider this trip.

He made me wonder if there was a chance that if we hypothetically got married, would he still put his work first before a family or myself? He says it depends on his future spouse on how much he would travel or when to have kids. He wants to buy a piece of property that he can rent out and make a profit on either back home or in San Diego and then use it when he gets stationed somewhere else.

He definitely has the money for it but I told him if he is going to get married in the next 3 years, he’s going to want to share that home buying experience with his wife or girlfriend. I said I know that from personal experience when Diego bought his first home without me. Maybe it was never going to work out with Diego and myself to be together, but I never knew he bought a house until it was too late which was devastating.

He also said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get married or just have a forever girlfriend. I told him if it were me, he should one day get married and have them sign a prenuptial agreement so he can protect himself.

As for me, he wonders if we will have good communication habits, but I think that ultimately stems from my bipolar disorder; is that something he is willing to deal with? No one said it would be easy dealing with the so seemingly endless bouts of depressive crying or the manic outbursts. But in his words, if I shut down in conversations when I’m upset how would we be able to have any sort of relationship?

He has every right to feel that way and although my ability to express myself has gotten exponentially better over 5 years, it’s still got a lot of room for improvement. I think I’m at that point that I am willing to compromise to an extent to make things work, but I am unsure if Chris would do the same.

After my crying fit I had on Saturday, I told Chris if he couldn’t deal with my bipolar disorder now or in the future, I needed him to tell me that was why the relationship would not work; not because I snored too loud or that my communication was poor or I don’t give him enough sex.

On Sunday, we both decided that 5 days was not long enough time together. Especially to decide anything. So I pulled my shitty attitude by the bootstraps and made the most of the bad day together. I was truly sad to leave him and not to see him for the next month or so. But it’s not like I can visit him again, anytime soon until he returns home.

I doubt either of us will see anyone else or really talk to anyone besides each other. I think he is making a point to talk to me more especially on work nights because I was very persistent that if he and I were going to work, I was going to need to talk to him more than once a week.

As for me, I can’t be talking and Tindering to these random guys, I need to prove to him that I have been waiting for him and that actions speak louder than words, even if I believe the opposite is true.

The truth is that I miss him terribly. I wish he would be coming home a lot sooner than he is. But like the non impatient people often say, distance makes the heart grow fonder...

I miss waking up at 3:30 a.m. to his persistent smile, I miss him cuddling and kissing me awake. I miss how inseparable we are when we are together. I even miss out conversations over politics, even though I hate discussing politics.

It almost feels that the whole trip was a dream considering it didn’t go the way I was anticipating. It wasn’t bad or anything, I was hoping it wouldn’t be just a booty call trip; that there would be some lead towards commitment in the near future. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy the sex, I remember it being quite good and was pretty good for that matter. But that’s not the real reason why I came down.

I went down to have fun and solidify something for when he returns to Washington. I think I did so, despite feeling like he rejected me anyways.

I think I’m going to use my recovery time to truly reflect on what I need and truly want in a relationship, not necessarily with Chris, but in general. I am taking the time to focus on me and what I want to do and pray to God for Him to lead my steps in the process. Because it is apparent to me that I am unable to walk my path on my own without getting into serious trouble or that I will endure terrible heartbreak.

I hope that things can work out between Chris and myself but at the same time, I will be okay if it doesn’t. My expectations are now slim to none. Which is where they should have been to begin with. But live and learn, I suppose.

Til next time,

Dani

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