I got a text yesterday morning from one of my best friends stating that he had a really bad panic attack night before and almost went to the ER because of it.

In that moment I became angry.

Why couldn’t he have just called me? He knows Ride or Die means we are here for each other 24/7/365 and 366 on a leap year. I had been in his shoes too many times; felt as though I was a burden and didn’t reach out to those who care about me most because I didn’t want to hinder their happiness.

Now, let me clarify, I wasn’t mad at him for wanting him to respect the trip that I am on and wanting to make things work with Chris. I was becoming disappointed in him thinking so little of our relationship in that moment that he felt that a guy would ever come first between his and I’s relationship.

I have neglected my friendships for so long due to my own bipolar disorder and now that I have made those relationships a priority, it has helped me get through my roughest of times without a therapist, but also help me grow exponentially as a person.

Now that I’m in a position to take care of my friends along with myself, I have made those friendships one of my first priorities. I have been reaching out to more people when they need me and vice versa. It’s been a long road of feeling so lonely, but that void is starting to go away.

So when Brent said he didn’t want to ruin my trip while he was upset and having a severe panic attack, I felt as though I failed him. Although it was completely out of my control because he didn’t tell me how he felt. But in my humble opinion, he knows if he calls at 2 a.m., I would absolutely answer and be there for him regardless of how I feel or what I’m doing.

After getting off the phone with my mom yesterday, I called Brent. We of course apologized and made up, but I am still perturbed by the matter, hence my writing about it at 3 a.m. in the wee hours of a Saturday morning.

…

After Brent and I’s phone call, I went to Imperial Beach in southern San Diego. I met a local who proceeded to give me a beer and do a mini photo shoot for me. I got some excellent pictures which I will upload as I make another post to add to my San Diego video diary.

The man told me I was beautiful and asked if I wanted to have sex with him and I respectfully declined. I may have encouraged him a little bit for the fun of the flirtation. I honestly meant nothing by it, and it was all in good fun. He probably did this daily and had many more gorgeous women to sleep with besides me, so I didn’t feel too bad about it.

We parted ways when I got a text from Chris and he got home early from work. He was asleep when I got there so I let him sleep. I proceeded to tell my mom that I would be having my foot surgery on Monday at 6:15 a.m. and since I wouldn’t be getting home til 11 p.m. the night before, I would be exhausted.

I tell her about my beach incident and she said to not tell Chris, but in my heart, I knew that was wrong.

Chris and I barely catch the sunset at one of the local beaches and then go out to eat and have a couple of drinks. I had been drinking since 2p.m. at this point and now it’s 10. So I may or may not have been a little drunk.

We get home and discuss how he could possibly expect to be in a relationship with me if I was going to be encouraging men, especially when I go back home and he’s still down here for another month.

I feel myself start to disassociate. I couldn’t stop it, I felt as though I fucked up even though I did the right thing by telling him what happened. I started to feel claustrophobic and couldn’t get enough space between us. He could tell something was wrong as I stare blankly at my computer screen, without really reading the words on the page.

He was sitting beside me at the table and then stands up and stands next to me and proceeds to get on his knees so we could be eye level with me as I sit in front of my laptop. He turns my head to face him because before, my hands were holding my face as I tried not to start crying.

He asked what was wrong and why I was so worked up. I blamed it on the bipolar roller coaster that is my mind that causes chemical imbalances in my brain and when confronted with information I don’t want to hear, I begin to shut down as a coping mechanism.

It was apparent to him he didn’t understand that aspect of it because he had never witnessed any of my bipolar break downs in person. All he knew was that I was upset due to him not wanting to be with me right now.

He begins to tell me that he wants me to be happy and he wants me to be the happy-go-lucky girl who sings songs wrong with such zeal at the top of her lungs. He then tells me he’s afraid of ruining things because he makes his work his top priority and doesn’t want to hurt me by making it a priority.

I then tell him that I didn’t want to have sex because I simply was not in the mood. He said he wanted to cuddle me, if that was okay. I said yes, even though I just wanted to sleep alone so I could cry myself to sleep. I didn’t want to upset him more by showing him how upset I really was. I knew he didn’t want to deal with me being unhappy but this is my life. My life is filled with extreme highs and lows, most at random and for no apparent reason at all.

He cuddled me and I proceeded to fall asleep in his arms.

Now it is 4 a.m. and I am left feeling hung over, dehydrated, a little nauseous, and still upset. I wouldn’t say I’m upset with him, just more at myself for being so damn impatient and pushy. This trip is about having fun with my good friend, not defining a relationship.

I just don’t want to settle for anything anymore. I don’t want to sacrifice who I am to make a relationship work. I don’t want to feel empty anymore while I’m dating anyone. When I become intimate with someone, I want it to be the last person that I am intimate with. I need it to be meaningful and with purpose and promise of the future and creating a life with someone. I’m under the impression Chris wants to be that for me but doesn’t quite know how to do so. He’s never really lived with a girlfriend before and he hasn’t been in a really serious relationship before since work is always a priority over a girlfriend.

I just don’t want to waste my time on someone who won’t give me the attention that I need. I’m making up for lost time and I think I’m becoming impatient with the (potentially) “right” person. That isn’t fair to him and he made it clear that this trip was meant to be for funsies and nothing serious would come of it.

So then I go back to it being my fault. For pushing my personal agenda on him when he isn’t interested. Not that he’s not interested, he is, but in his own timing. If there is a shot in Hell of making this work, I got to back off and back down.

I think if he were just in it for funsies, he wouldn’t be getting jealous of some hot guy at the beach talking to me and sitting together. But at the same time, he still has Tinder downloaded on his phone. Just to clarify, I never will look through someone’s phone. When I turned off his alarm that went off during his nap, I happened to notice that he had a tinder notification.

I am just very confused because he is sending mixed messages and I’m not clear on his intentions since he goes back and forth on them. I just don’t need this to be another Daniel situation where I think I have a shot with the guy, and there isn’t a chance in Hell of anything happening.

I forget what the point of this post was. I think the main point is to talk to those whom you care about. You may not be able to walk in their shoes, but you can walk (or run) besides them in your own capacity with your own knowledge and adversity.

Hug those whom you love a little tighter today and let that person who you like know how you really feel. Nothing hurts more than not knowing where you stand with someone.

As always,

Dani