I had an amazing night last night. It’s kind of a funny story.

Since I am severely bipolar, I go to the pharmacy often and there is a guy there named Daniel. He’s probably 5’8″, devilishly handsome with ash brown hair, pretty green-hazel eyes, always wears flannels with skinny jeans, and vans. He’s fairly new, been there for about a year now. It always struck me funny how he always would look at me from the drive thru window, grab my prescriptions without asking who I was and he remembers my birthday. He was always very attentive and observant. But he is wayyyy out of my league, so I never thought much of his cute looks; always thought he had a girlfriend.

Anyway, a week and a half ago I scroll through Tinder and I come across his profile. He’s 35, with crooked teeth, which I always find kind of endearing in a man. You could tell he was or is an avid cigarette smoker. It was those green-gray-hazel eyes with dark hair that made me swipe right. I didn’t think anything would become of it, so oh what the hell. One like won’t kill me.

It’s a match! Message Daniel today!

So what do I do? I message him. Obviously.

I was trying to be discrete. So I say, “Hey! You look really familiar.” He responds a couple hours later… “you and your mom come in to my work every other day.” This was true, but not intentional. We’re just crazy.

We arrange to meet up at the local bar, across from Albertsons. It was last Thursday. I was very nervous and wore a purple and white striped dress that went to the knee and wore white Keds with it. He wore his usual attire: flannel long sleeve shirt, skinny jeans, and vans. His hair was pushed off to the side. I asked him if he knew why I took the medication I did. He said he normally didn’t pay attention to what people took or minded that I was bipolar. He then proceeded to ask me what Lithium does to a person. I explained that it was a common mood stabilizer for those with bipolar and how it makes me feel dead inside. It kills the swings, but it kills all the emotions I have along with it.

He was a very good listener. I told him about mom almost losing her battle with schizophrenia in 2017. He told me he finalized his divorce with his wife early January 2020, but had been separated for a couple of years. He has a twelve year old son and lost his brother at the same time as he lost his wife and she decided to file for divorce. Supposedly he isn’t jaded anymore, but I am not sure I believe that.

He then proceeded to tell me that it wouldn’t work out between him and I for two reasons. One of them being that I wasn’t a parent and raising a child isn’t in my wheelhouse; that I was closer in age to his son than to him. The second reason being that we have the same name and there can only be one.

I was crushed. In hindsight, it’s kind of funny what he said. Because we had chemistry. He loves the same music I do, he was in the Navy for 7 years as a submariner *sigh… how sexy; a man in uniform* he is contemplating becoming a pharmacist. we were attracted to each other. It was almost like he was trying to come up with reasons why not to date me, but the list of why to date me was much longer.

He walks me to my Kia and hugs me goodbye. He was the perfect gentleman. He was so perfect it hurt.

I went home and scrolled through Tinder to find the messages between us. His account was deactivated. Thirty minutes later, my phone dings with a new text message.

“Let’s talk here now.

-Daniel”

I asked him if he wasn’t interested in me, why we went out. He said his goals were more friend oriented and he hoped he didn’t waste my time. He said he had a good time though, but if I got only a hug on the way out, it made no sense.

I ignored him for a few days until I asked him on Tuesday after I saw that apartment and was trying to go out and celebrate. I asked for him to grab a drink with me. He responds late that night. He couldn’t but would be interested possibly on Thursday, if time allowed.

I went on a date in the afternoon of Thursday. Drank probably a fifth of a fifth of bourbon. I manage to drive to the pharmacy. I go in to see him, but use the excuse that I needed to order meds to go in and talk to him.

As I approach the counter, I see his devilish good looks and my heart stops. The other tech approaches me and I ask to order Prozac and Abilify. She was able to fill the prescription right then and there, which meant I had no more excuses to go in to the pharmacy for about three weeks. As the girl was on the computer, filling my medication, Daniel looks me up and down. I was wearing a yellow sundress, no bra. Nipples fully erect. He waves and says hello in a rather coy way. I smirk and say hi back. It was dead in there.

As I proceed to walk out with medication I didn’t really need, I wait in the parking lot to check my phone. I left the driver’s side door wide open with my music loud. I was playing Fiona Apple; his favorite. I was looking down at my phone intently when I hear a man’s voice yell, “Hey!”

I look up suddenly.

It was Daniel.

He grabs the side of my car door and asks if I ever went to the local pub in downtown. I said yes. He asked to meet me there about 8:20 p.m. for drinks. I said “Eight? It’s a date” and gave him a wicked coy smile. He kind of smirks back, which turns into a timid smile. He looked down at his shoes and back up at me and cocks his head to the side. His eyes said, I’m game.

I was seated in the middle of the bar. He leans in over the table to get onto the bar stool. Almost looked like he was going to bend over to kiss me. But didn’t. He flashes his smile at me and orders a beer for himself as I already had a double bourbon and coke. Ian, the bar tender and I knew each other because I fucked his younger brother, Tyler on several occasions. We used to all go drinking together. Before Daniel came, I had my ID out for him to check and he said he didn’t need it, he remembered me well. He also mentioned that I just missed Tyler.

I thought that might be for the best. I adore Tyler, but he is an avid alcoholic with two DUI’s under his belt at 27 years old. He and I never got our timing right.

(Keep in mind, I’m probably about 6 or 7 shots in at this point throughout the afternoon and evening. I was good to drive but this is a little bit of foreshadowing for later.)

I asked Daniel if he smoked because when he leaned in I could smell, almost taste, the cigarette smoke on him.

I always thought a hipster guy such as himself smoking a cigarette was super hot.

He said he did smoke and I invite him onto the deck so we could smoke together. We drink and talk. I just spill my guts to him as he listens intently. I was getting quite agitated as I was telling him some of deepest, darkest secrets. It normally wouldn’t bother me considering how much I had to drink, but it was bothering me then. He noticed the light leave my eyes, and that I was fidgety. He takes me inside the bar and pays for my drink, even though I am pretty sure I make more money than him and offered to pay.

He asks if I would like to go back to his place since his son was at his ex-wife’s house. He said we could have a couple of beers. I followed him there.

His mother in law apartment was small, but tidy and clean. He had at least three guitars lying around. He said he had some work to do and so I plop myself on the love seat to watch King of the Hill on Hulu. I brought in my bottle of bourbon. He asks if I wanted ice, a glass, and a shot glass. He insisted I measure out my drinks since I was drinking it straight.

I start pouring drinks down my throat. As I walked back and forth between the living room and kitchen for more booze, he would hug me each time I passed him. He is rather skinny, but man his arms were toned and it felt so good to be in his arms.

I look up at him after we hug and stare into his eyes. He leans down and kisses me. He stop and look at each other with crooked smiles on our faces. We go out to smoke for a bit and continue to talk like nothing has happened.

He said that I should spend the night since I was probably about halfway through the fresh bottle of bourbon at this point. He didn’t want me to drink and drive. I told him that I snore loudly and sleep talk. He laughs and says that doesn’t matter, he would live through it. We go back inside and continue watching tv. He uses the bathroom as my head begins to spin… hard.

Oh God, I’m gonna throw up…

After he sits back down, I run to the bathroom covering my mouth and projectile vomit into the toilet. I felt embarrassed and terrible. I still felt sick afterwards and my head was still spinning.

I collect myself and make sure my makeup wasn’t smeared. I wash my hands in the kitchen and sit back down like nothing even happened.

A few minutes of silence go by and he kinda smirks and said I wasn’t driving tonight and that I should have measured my shots. He asked how much I drank that night and I respond with too much. Not too much longer after that, we begin talking when I hold up my finger to excuse myself to be violently ill again.

He comes up to the bathroom door and asks if I am alright and I holler back I am fine. He gets me some water. I ask him if he would play guitar and sing for me. He gladly obliges and starts singing a variety of songs and ends with “Sunday morning” by Maroon 5. He has the voice and guitar skills of an angel. He then brings me his jacket so we could go out to smoke. He tells me as much as he wanted to have sex tonight with me, he wanted me to remember it. That, and he said to know that he didn’t make me drink anything.

I proceed to throw up in his yard. We go back inside and gives me a new toothbrush and some toothepaste. I brush my teeth as he begins to take off his jeans and shoes. Then his shirt comes off. He was very muscular and was wearing dark blue boxer briefs. My favorite! He begins to kiss me some more we get a little hot and heavy and just… wow.

He tells me that I am special and deserve true kindness. He wouldn’t continue fooling around with me, but cuddles me as we fall asleep in each other’s arms.

…

4:50 a.m. came all too soon. My alarm doesn’t wake him. I quickly get dressed and leave him be. I proceed to drive into a ditch on his property and called him to try to help me push my FWD Kia out of the ditch. He doesn’t respond.

I tried to dig myself out of the ditch and fall into the ditch onto gravel. I decide to gently move into reverse in hopes that I would flatten the gravel a bit and could rev the engine enough and get out of the ditch. Fortunately for me, it worked.

I texted him thanks for everything and that I would like a redo where I don’t make a complete fool out of myself.

That evening I drive by the pharmacy and notice his car still there. I grab some Tylenol to nurse my hangover and grabbed some more bourbon to kick this horrible feeling inside along with a pack of cigarettes. He notices me shopping and approaches the window.

I walk up to him and he is smiling through his mask. He says, “how can I help you today, ma’am?” I say I’m terribly hungover and he said he wish he could talk more as the phone rings. He walks away to answer it. I could tell he watched me walk away.

I pay for my items and head home.

Now I write to you as I await a text, call, or invite over. I doubt it will happen but I remain hopeful. All I know is that I really, really like him.

Til next time,

Dani