Bipolar and Toxicity

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I have always wanted the superpower that would allow me to read minds, that is if I had a choice in the matter. I always wondered how others perceived me before my bipolar diagnosis and now that everybody knows, now how do they view me? I mean, it doesn’t really matter because I know how my true friends perceive me, but what about those who I used to call “friends” who no longer speak or stay in touch with me? I just don’t know where I went wrong or failed?

I used to have a big group of church friends that I would hang out with from ages 15-18 or 19 and I lost that right around the time I got my bipolar diagnosis. It’s not like I told anyone about it, so how did my characteristics change enough to lose 20 or so people that were insanely close to me? I mean, there was the fact that we all started going to college and got busy, but I don’t think my bipolar had anything to do with the falling out.

I know with my best friend, or what was my very best friend since age 13, she said I became toxic with the choices I made. I think I talked about her in previous blogs about how I wasn’t apart of her wedding and she made my sister, of all people, her maid of honor, even though Alex, my sister, only knew Cassie because of me. They got close, but nothing like Cass and I were.

I think that’s my biggest fear: being toxic or people perceiving me as toxic. I think I have done a lot in the last 4 months to remove the toxicity from my life, but it’s like putting a band aid on a wound that needs sutures and a lot of TLC. It doesn’t take their pain away (those whom I care about) the fact that I am doing great is all fine and dandy, but it doesn’t heal the wound. But nobody has told me what I have done wrong or how to correct it except for Diego, and Cassie after her wedding and my bitterness happened.

I think we have a society on our hands that is so materialistic and tangible, that if someone or something isn’t at your disposal immediately, you will be thrown out and replaced with the newer, better model. I am talking about this more in the sense of relationships rather than possessions, although it is true in both regards. I think we are so quick to replace relationships, romantic or otherwise with looks and those who are readily available in our location. Who is the closest distance to me? Who can cure my boredom right now for a few hours? Who is the cutest boy toy I can have on my arm? But those don’t procure a long lasting relationship or friendship. It is greedy and selfish, and I would say toxic in nature.

I know for myself, I have contributed to this sort of lifestyle and behavior because you see it everywhere and it seems like these are the only type of relationships you can have now; the instantaneous kind, which is extremely unrealistic and almost unattainable. Now I am looking for long lasting, fulfilling friendships, and it is no where to be found. Especially during a pandemic like we are in, how do you find friends besides the bar? How do you find people to go out with and experience things with?

How can I resurrect an old friendship when the other person has moved on? How do I show how much I have changed? I no longer do the activities or see people who contributed to my toxic behavior and I know time is on my side, but how much time does it take for their pain to go away and how long does it take to rebuild a relationship?

I just wish someone would communicate with me on how I am to move forward. I know I’m doing my best, but it doesn’t feel like I am. I feel like I’m swimming in a circle and the circle doesn’t get any bigger or smaller and I can’t stop swimming or else I will drown, but I can’t stop swimming in this same routine of staying home all day and all night, cooking and cleaning for Diego, not seeing anyone, not gambling, not getting out. I am going stir crazy and the toxic bitch inside is knockin’ on the manic door, waiting to come out to play with my other personalities and create some havoc.

Suppress, suppress, suppress.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Just keep your head above water.


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