Enough of the bitching and moaning. Sorry about last post, it took a drastic turn. Probably not what you were expecting when you have a happy go lucky title such as “How to be Happy” and it’s nothing except absolute crap.
But I am a firm believer that the absolute crap needs to come out at times and there is no stopping it (no pun intended with my GI issues and all). I am also a firm believer that not everyone can be happy every moment of their life; I don’t care what your career and lifestyle choices are, no matter what, you will deal with some bad stuff.
Yesterday wasn’t even that bad. As much as I fought getting a finger up the ass, I made it through. As much pain I’m in, I’m dealing with it. I came home to a wonderful dinner made by Diego, even though it is his birthday, he stopped what he was doing to make me dinner and powered through his migraine.
I think happiness is about the choices you make; happiness is an every moment decision. You must choose to be happy or make light of a situation. Yesterday I missed the mark… by a lot. Not at one point did I choose to be happy with all the blessings that I do have; I wanted to dwell in the bad.
Last night was better because I needed and wanted it to be better. I enjoyed every bite of my lamb chops and stuffed mushrooms. I devoured the cake and ice cream. I enjoyed the cuddling with Diego and just sitting together in the same room, doing our own things, yet coming together to do so. I am enjoying him lay next to me as I type this. I like feeling his side against mine as he watches videos on his phone.
I think happiness also stems upon doing what you love, but doing what you love can’t always make you happy. You know what got me out of my funk tonight? Throwing away old pill bottles. I was calling the pharmacy to refill my medication and I went through the rejects aka old pill bottles. I disposed of all the empties and I looked at the ones that I had left. I had twenty or so prescriptions for medication I used to take for my bipolar and haven’t in years and a lot of duplicates of things I take on rare occasion. I merged the duplicates into one like bottle and threw away the empties. I finally got rid of old prescriptions for effexor and seroquel, anti depressants and mood stabilizers I haven’t taken in four years; since this all started.
It felt… rehabilitating to be able to say “hey I no longer need this” and finally be done with it. I’m hoping in the near future I can do the same with my lithium or at least lower my 450 mg dose to something besides a horse pill. Maybe one day I can take less than five medications and a butt load of supplements to achieve normalcy, but today isn’t the day. Today I needed every one of those goddamn pills and I’m happy that I was only in the ER for pain and stomach issues and not due to my bipolar disorder.
They always say it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. In my experience, waiting for all these big goals to happen and then have them actually come true has never made me happy or even satisfied. For example, when I became a paralegal, I was never satisfied because I saw everything that was wrong with how the attorney ran the business. Not only did the business go under, my boss found my bipolar disorder as a reason to fire me, not just because he could’t afford me. Not every dream is what it’s cracked up to be.
If anything, I get more excited and happy inside when I do a honest day’s work, cleaning the house, doing dishes, scrubbing toilets, etc. than I ever have been working as a paralegal or working a job I made a lot of money at.
It’s all about perspective. I think happiness falls under that category as well. I have found that being happy is the one thing that truly matters in this life and I would rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable. I grew up rich and miserable and no matter what you possess, it feeds into the sadness.
I think I want to focus the rest of the year on downsizing. I downsized a lot when I moved, but my office is just full with stuff that I don’t use or need. I really want to live the minimalist lifestyle because it’s not what you own that brings you joy, it’s people you love and okay, maybe some of the things you love to do (don’t ask me to downsize my art supply set)… but happiness isn’t about having an overflowing closet or things you don’t use. It’s about creating experiences and making memories.
A negative about bipolar is that you spend a lot of money quite recklessly. I think in the moment when I purchase something that it will make me happy. The only one that was happy about my $400 Coach purse purchase was the chick who made a commission off of it. I don’t even use the bag because it isn’t practical. I love it, but it never made me happy like Diego has or my friends or family have.
But that’s what makes us stronger, I suppose. The bad things in life make us realize the light that we see inside and out. The light is dimmed down due to the darkness, but if we focus on the light, the more our vision comes into focus and we can see what the darkness has hidden from us.
I think in my last post I asked you all how you see the light. My friend said that I am the light and I said I am no such thing, that I shouldn’t be put on a pedestal of sorts. I guess it’s the light of Christ that others can see Him through me, but it’s weird knowing someone thinks so highly of you when you’re only human, you have faults and fuck up profusely on the regular.
But I suppose it is uplifting to see God work through others so that you can then praise Him, I personally don’t like being put on any sort of pedestal; call me crazy or call me humble, I answer to both.
Anyway, off my tangent. I wanted to touch on why I don’t think hobbies or coping mechanisms lead to happiness. They are fleeting. I mean, most things in life are only momentary, but to dwell on a song or painting or a cup of good tea are temporary bouts of joy, not true eternal or at least long lasting happiness. But like I also said, happiness is relative and it’s all about perspective to the eye of the beholder. I personally have never felt true happiness after I have completed or during the making of a really cool painting or watching a good ball game. Maybe I have never felt true joy.
Maybe I have never felt true joy…
I guess there are no sure fire steps to take to be happiness, but we do know this much:
Happiness is a choice.
It’s about the journey to happiness, not a different product or destination in mind.
Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.
It’s about perspective. Especially the little things.
Til next time,