I am naturally a very date oriented person. I forget a lot of things, like where I placed my keys or what you had just told me not even five minutes ago. But I do remember dates and what they represent very vividly.
I am the type of person who despises holidays, whether it be Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, New Year’s, 4th of July, my birthday, you name it, I despise it.
Holidays aka anniversary days are hard for me because they represent a triggering factor from my past and I will forever associate that event with that particular date, now and forever after.
I am going to go through my “anniversaries” and try to figure out if there is a pattern to the dates that I detest.
Dec 31/Jan 1
New Years Eve/Day is a drinking holiday. I have dealt with my drunken mother on this day too many times to enjoy it in my adult life.
AKA my birthday. My mom has drunkenly ruined many of my birthdays. My 16th birthday was spent visiting her in inpatient treatment. Then on my 20th birthday, Diego found out I had cheated on him with my co-worker. That was a bad day.
The day my nana died in 2015. It’s a bad day for my family since she was the matriarch of my mother’s side of the family and the only family my mom had besides us. I wasn’t close to my nana, but I resent me not getting close to her when I had the chance. So the week leading up to her death was also difficult.
In 2012, my mom got her first and thankfully only DUI. It was an eye opener for the whole family on how bad her alcohol and prescription drug addiction was, but it was not the turning point in her sobriety.
In 2018, on this day I was raped.
Drinking holiday. Dealt with my drunk mother too many times to actually enjoy the holiday.
July 31/August 1
This was the day that I was in Portland with my mom to visit my nana. Nana and I went to the pool for a swim, and we came back to the house to find my mother overdosed on drugs and / or alcohol. My nana couldn’t drive because she was nearly blind. I had just turned 16, so I had to drive the three of us to the ER in Portland traffic. It was very nerve wracking. The doctors thought she might have had a stroke, but didn’t. Once she came to, they released her, but I had to fill out a lot of DNR and end of life paperwork forms, which was low-key traumatic. On top of that, my nana was diabetic and we didn’t get a chance to eat dinner and my dad was a state away. I called my grandfather for him to bring nana some food since I couldn’t leave and get her something. He fought me on how I was inconveniencing him oh God forbid.
Ironically the 31st is Diego’s birthday. So now when we go out to celebrate, I am sad throughout the day.
What would have been Diego and I’s wedding date in 2019. It’s crazy to think we could have been married for almost a year now, but God had a different plan for us.
I got a call that night from some co-workers of mine saying my mother was being belligerent and about to get kicked out of the local casino. This day in 2016, was her rock bottom. It was no different than any other night she would go out, but she stopped drinking after this.
Drinking would commence and it was awful. My dad would get us kids a lot for Christmas to make up for my mother’s poor behavior.
Every year gets easier in some ways the further we move away from my mother’s drinking days and create new memories with sobriety at the base. I am sure there are many more anniversaries that I am forgetting at the moment, but usually I sense something is wrong or I have a feeling something bad is going to happen. With this sense, I usually put two and two together. Bad feeling = bad holiday coming up.
I would have to say summer is the hardest time of the year because her alcoholism was most prevalent in the summer. She got her DUI in the summer, she consistently relapsed in the summer, she almost died of overdose, the list goes on.
I thought I had forgiven my mom for her drunken escapades, but maybe holding on to these dates is my way to still grieve the past.
What do you think? Do you remember anniversaries, for better or worse?