Carefree or Careless, I’m Not Sure…

I started this week at my new job as a medical records specialist at a big GI doctor’s clinic in the small county that I live in. I am learning the ropes of being the low man on the totum pole and figuring out what is expected of me and so I have been doing the work that no one else wants to do; scanning in old medical records and creating electronic ones.

I don’t mind it, honestly it’s monotonous and pretty dull which is everything I was looking for in a job. With my bipolar, I need a job that I don’t have to think about once my shift is over with; I need the same thing over and over again so I can get good at my job and excel by exerting absolutely no effort on my part. Why? Because if I care too much about this job, what other aspects in my life will I start to overthink and get anxiety over? I don’t have any control over how I feel or when I feel it, so I have to be able to control some things such as my job, my social life, my relationships, my hobbies and passions, etc.

The one thing I can’t control in my job is the people I work with. But that is like any aspect in life; you can’t control everything. All you can control, well in my case only sometimes can control, is yourself and your actions. I mentioned a couple of times this week that “I don’t care” or something to that effect. Each woman gasped and replied saying that I needed to care more or that I need to start caring real soon. But why? This is a job and it honestly doesn’t matter what I do. If one menial task isn’t completed by 5 p.m. what are they gonna do, fire me? No. Because in one year from now, are you going to remember what you did and worried about today? No. How about in three years from now, are you going to remember crying in the bathroom at work because some cunt stole your chair? No! So why should I care and put all my emotional eggs in one basket, so to speak?

Then I began to wonder if I am carefree or careless and what the difference is. I think carefree attitude is synonymous with my manic symptoms versus being careless with my depression. So yes, I suppose I can be both and both can be detrimental to my job and my livelihood. If I don’t care enough, people could potentially die at the stake of my actions if I don’t process a records request soon enough, they can’t see the doctor that would then diagnose them with colon cancer. But that is a stretch. I am mainly stating the fact that one should not stress out over a JOB. They don’t pay you enough to slave more than 40 hours a week, they don’t pay you enough to cry at their mercy. They don’t care about you and your needs and your family, so why should I care and put all of my feelings and emotions and time and effort into a JOB that doesn’t care about my well being? It’s as simple as that.

Til next time,

Dani