DISCLAIMER: This post may be triggering for some as it includes the story on how I was raped and overcame it.
This post I was hesitant to make because I have never been super open on how I was raped or the story that goes along with it. Currently I am very uneasy writing this because it scares me. It scares me because of the repercussions I might get for speaking out about it. Up until now I have kept his identity a secret in order to protect him and his career. Which is stupid, I know, if someone commits a crime such as rape, they should bask in punishment and guilt for the rest of their lives, but I am so empathetic towards others that I didn’t want him to suffer at all.
Just to throw this out there, I think it is wrong and should be illegal for those to make false rape accusations against others. It destroys reputations and livelihoods of those who are accused of such a crime. To do that against someone who is non deserving of it, should be illegal and the person making false accusations should go to jail.
To follow that, this story is 100% true to the best of my knowledge and memory. It is coming up on the two year “anniversary” on June 13th.
How I was Raped…
I was on Tinder one day after I got back from my trip to San Diego and I saw this really cute guy who had black hair, a great smile with nice teeth, athletic build, and the clearest blue eyes. So obviously I swipe right, and next thing I know, the screen reads, “It’s a match!” We started talking about our interests and sexual preferences and decide to meet up to hook up. He told me to meet him at his house and so I did. That was mistake #1. Once I pulled in, I got the most uneasy feeling in my gut and every part of me said “no, don’t go in”. Before I could leave, he came and met me at the car. He was perfectly the same as he was in his photos. I decided to give it a shot.
That was mistake #2. He said he wanted to shower with me, so we went inside and stripped off our clothes. We start making out and my anxiety spikes through the roof but I stupidly continue, trusting in this complete stranger. He turns me around and leans me against the bathroom counter and starts fucking me from behind, which felt really good. I was getting into it and next thing I know, without my consent, he starts fucking my butt hole and I start to squeal like a pig, screaming “No no no please stop it hurts.” He doesn’t stop until after a couple minutes go by. Once he pulls out, I turn around, red in the face, and I’m dizzy. I felt like I was gonna throw up, and I was so mortified, but next thing I knew I wake up on the ground after hitting my head on the bathtub. I had fainted because I later found out that there is a nerve ending in your butt hole and if you hit it, you will pass out. That’s exactly what happened. Then he gets me in the shower and proceeds to fuck me more. It was from behind so I cried and kept saying “please stop” while he did his business. He then screamed, “are you crying?!” and I yelled back “no” because that’s what my gut feeling told me to say. I wiped up my tears and all I could think is, “I’m being raped and I can’t get away.”
The worst part about it all is after the shower, he told me to grab my clothes and walk to his room. So I’m completely naked when he opens the bathroom door and two people sit on the couch that weren’t there before and their mouths hung wide open. They could hear my blood curdling screams and hear him yell at me to be quiet. And they did nothing. That’s what hurts most of all.
He proceeded to take me into his room and fucks me raw until he comes and after that I put my clothes on as quickly as possible and ran out the door and didn’t look back. I was stunned and in shock the whole hour long drive home at what I had just fell victim to.
Within the next couple of days, I was tested for STDs and I was clean. But about a month later, another guy I was sleeping with said he had chlamydia which he got from me. I told everyone I had slept with once I got tested and tested positive for it. No one else had it except for one person that I didn’t ask or tell — my rapist. So I came to conclude not only I had to deal with the trauma of me being raped, but I had to deal with him giving me chlamydia and not using protection when he raped me. It was a fucked up situation all around.
I was still living with my ex at the time and I cried myself to sleep and he asked what was wrong and I told him and he then proceeded to say it was my fault for putting myself into that situation. But then later kept saying, “you are worthy, dandelion” (Dandelion is my nickname).
I ignored his ignorant comment and I messaged my tattoo artist explaining I had been raped and I want a tattoo to help me cope with it. She opened up her schedule and I got “You are Worthy” tattooed on my wrist with a little dandelion next to it.
Without it happening, I don’t think I would be nearly as strong as I am today. But the situation stole a lot of my innocence. I have become more jaded in this cruel world, but maybe that is all for the best?
Til next time,