Leveling Out

I am finally at a point in my bipolar cycle where I am coming out of my depressive cocoon. I feel as though I am a sanded down piece of plywood; being evened out by its maker and it is finally time to put the level on it to see if it holds. I am neither depressed nor manic, just… normal. It’s weird saying that about myself because I don’t envision myself ever being, let alone feeling, normal. But my moods are stable and I feel good. Really good actually. I was able to get through that minor crisis yesterday with the boy I like. (He ended up being fine and the situation wasn’t nearly as bad as he let on for it to be; but none of that is really my place to say, it’s not my story to tell.) That crisis would have had my tail spinning not even two weeks ago, but being in this stable place at the moment, I was able to trust in God that everything would be alright and it was.

All this stability means is that I’m about to ramp up into my hypo-manic state. Since I have bipolar II disorder, I will most likely never experience a full blown manic episode, which is fine by me. I experience feelings of being elated, excited, and invincible. I am a little reckless and careless in my manic states, but never to the point where I have to be hospitalized. It is somewhat petrifying to know that my actions are so very much affected by my moods in this manic state of mind.

In the past during my manic states, I have rushed in and out of relationships, I have sold my car without having a plan to buy another one, I impulsively bought a brand new car after I sold my other vehicle, I traded in that new vehicle for one that was one year newer, putting the negative equity of the old car into my new loan. I have impulsively gotten tattoos and piercings. I have impulsively gambled a lot of my money away. I have destroyed relationships and burnt bridges, acted petty around those I love. In my elated state of mind, I contemplated suicide on multiple occasions and have a grandiosity complex in the sense that I would self harm in the most exaggerated way possible to get attention.

I know all of this will happen soon again, but being medicated and consistently taking those pills, going to therapy and using my coping mechanisms helps. It helps me to realize that those actions are all irrational and not needed to make myself happy. In the meantime, I will enjoy this state of normalcy. This feeling of contentedness is exhilarating and intoxicating within itself. I just hope I don’t take this feeling for granted because I know this won’t last forever. I’m not sure how long it will last for, which is exciting and terrifying at the same time. But all I know is that I am going to enjoy it.

Til next time,

Dani

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