I finally did it, guys. I turned on Christmas music tonight at work. Partially because my clients were decorating the house with blinking lights and partially because I want to feel less sad and I figured this might work. So far so good. I need to get a med adjustment but I can’t get one until my cpap machine comes in the mail and I can start using that.

I also think my lack of quality sleep affects my emotional lability greatly. But there is nothing I can do until I get that machine that helps me breath. So in the meantime, I will be prematurely listening to Christmas music until I feel less sad OR, I finally get the machine which ever comes first.

At this point, I am doubtful I am gonna get my machine soon so by the time I do actually get it, it will be actually time for Christmas music.

I was supposed to go see my primary care provider today but my mom needed my appointment more, she has something weird going on with her toe. I was supposed to go in for an ultrasound follow up because I’ve been having bleeding on and off for the past two months along with abdominal and pelvic pain. I kind of felt blown off and like I should squash the search party in finding me a diagnosis because staff have been dismissive because my ultrasound came back perfectly normal.

I know I am not faking my pain or symptoms but it feels like I am because no one can find what’s wrong with me. My mom told our doctor that I felt like the doctor and staff didn’t believe me when I say all this and the doctor was like no we aren’t done looking for the problem we just had to rule out cancer which I don’t have which is good along with no tumors, etc. So I was told to reschedule my appointment.

I also need to get meds because I have a face full of acne and I would get some pimples every now and again but it’s bad all the time now and I don’t know if that has to do with my mystery diagnosis or not but It hurts. It doesn’t matter how much I cleanse, exfoliate and use over the counter acne medications, it doesn’t go away which is frustrating to be nearly 25 and look 15.

I am just kinda over all this bullshit in my life. I feel as though a lot of good things yet bad things are happening all at the same time but I am not handling it well at all. Like, I shouldn’t be stressed virtually at all because most of my stuff is cohesive and runs together pretty smoothly but every time I get to work I get hella depressed and I am not sure if that is because I work noc shift and everyone’s asleep when I am awake. Or if I just feel alone or what the deal is.

All I do know is that I don’t feel normal and this is not okay. I think during other depressive states I have had within my bipolar disorder that I’ve handled it a lot better but then again my sleep apnea didn’t use to be as bad as it is now and my meds were adjusted to me a lot better.

I haven’t had my meds adjusted at all in over two years. Not my lithium, not my Abilify nor my prozac. I am kind of worried I need to increase my lithium but I am already at 900mg a day; I don’t particularly want to increase that even more because 1200mg is the max for a person my size. I don’t want to feel numb and like a zombie, and this is where I ponder going off my meds but then I get my ass into gear and correct my thought process. Because yes the meds do numb you and make colors turn gray, however, these meds have saved my life truly and honestly. Without lithium, I wouldn’t be here today and as much as I bash on the pills and physically despise taking them, it allows me to lead a semi normal life.

Okay enough of the Christmas music. Music is on, but clients are in bed so just trying to ride the waves that are yet to come.

much love,

Dani