It’s been a hot minute since I described how I felt about bipolar among other things on this blog and now is the chance to talk about it.

It’s my Tuesday at work tonight at 2:14am on a very early Friday morning and I had a semi busy day. I have been trying to get my cpap machine back even though it leaves sores on my face because I can’t get any restful sleep without it and the blemishes, although painful, were a small price to pay for good sleep. I went into the cpap place office and they said they didn’t have my paperwork after trying to fax and re-fax everything since August at this point so I go to my doctor’s office and have her fax it one more time and get a paper copy I can bring in just in case this last fax didn’t go through. I called when I got home regarding today’s fax and they said they *finally* got it and they could start ordering my equipment.

As I was on hold though, I was flipping through chart notes that they gave me and my first diagnosis, loud and clear says bipolar disorder, but it didn’t specify whether it was one or two which I found interesting. I have always thought I had the the second definition to whether or not you’re bipolar one or two but I always thought hospitalization was a defining feature separating one from the second.

Anyways it kind of surprised me that was the only one I had under diagnoses because I thought or I feel more schizoaffective than bipolar but I honestly don’t share all that goes on in my head with my doctor in fear that I will be put away. And I know that I am not danger to self or danger to others and that would be the only reason I would be put in a mental facility. But it still scares me and it is a real fear of mine. So much so that I take my pills every day and every night so I can hopefully stay “normal” enough to not be committed somewhere.

I feel good generally but I can tell my delusions and paranoia are getting to me because it takes away from my life. And like I stated before im not a threat to self or others but it’s scary thinking people are watching you and following you all the time even though your rational self knows it is untrue and that you’re not being watched and followed.

My brain fog and fatigue have been pretty bad as of lately but I think that has to do with me working nights and sleep deprivation. So again, hopefully the cpap will help with that and that should also improve my mental health overall, including delusions and hallucinations.

I feel overwhelmed yet contained all at the same time. That probably doesn’t make sense to most of you… like, in other words, I feel apathetic yet overwhelmed, like a depressed box bursting at the seams ready to explode with an Eeyore personality…. “I don’t wanna be a bother….” so I just don’t explode and the problems up the neck of the bottle until I eventually explode. With my depression being in full swing, I don’t think I will truly explode. Maybe fizz out a little bit but that’s the extent of my explosion to be.

I am not sure how much sense I am making as I have a lot on my mind. All in all, I am not suicidal, just near the beginning of a depressive state and I am getting my shit done. I am doing alright in school and I am just working lots of overtime at work so that’s all fine and dandy.

much love,

Dani