Although this is a mental health blog, I struggle to write about my own mental health at times. I think the stigmas that exist are very much prevalent in our society and other societies probably even more so than in American culture.

I often feel like I don’t have it nearly as bad as some people have it therefore, I have no right to feel poorly or as if I am suffering. I know logically that everyone has their own respective hardships however I never validate my own experiences and I think that’s common with those with bipolar disorder and other “abnormal” psychological disorders.

So today, I am just gonna lay it out there. My depression is coming back in full swing and I am not sure if it’s just time for this episode to happen or just that it is the time of year for the depression to hit, or both could be true.

I’ve been trying to articulate my feelings all night at work to the point that I didn’t do any home work; I literally just sat in the recliner with my heater blanket and sat and thought to myself. In those late night moments, I felt lonely. I know that isn’t actually how I feel in what I want to say is real life but that’s how I felt in these darker moments.

I don’t think working graveyard is helping my mental health at all because it forces me to self isolate. I don’t function at the same times and hours of the day that everyone else does so I don’t get the socialization I need. But because I am working graveyard, I am doing really well in school. I got nothing else to do besides homework so I either can do the work or not. I choose to do it and I have pretty damn good grades at the moment. Granted, it is only week 3… but if I don’t start strong, I can’t as easily finish strong too.

I have 13 days of no gambling as of today. So just shy of two weeks. I know it is silly to count the days but my competitive side is the only thing at this point keeping me sober so whatever works as far as stopping the addiction sounds good to me.

I finished Christmas shopping and spent a grand total of $300 for my parents, sister and her husband, my best friend, Diego, and for Poncho, my doggie. I know someone will read this so I can only say what I got for Poncho which is a. new turquoise harness to wear when we take him for walks or whatever and a little ham steak plush toy which is super cute. It feels good to use my money on others rather than wasting it on gambling. Believe it or not, I actually enjoy giving gifts to people because I know it feels good to feel appreciated.

I think once I get home from work, I am gonna try to do some homework and then crash. I have a lot on my plate at the moment but right now I need to put in the self care and rest or else none of that other stuff will get done or worse, I will burn out hella quick.

That’s it for me and this blogtober post. Until tomorrow, y’all!

much love,

Dani