I was on a date the other day and I kind of made a comment that was self deprecating. “Oh I still live at home because I am a failure.” (Cue awkward laugh). He said something in response and I am still in disbelief because it totally changed my perspective.

“Don’t say that you’re a failure because those comments manifest with in yourself and give you a negative outlook.”

My first thought was, “That’s the whole point of self deprecation.” However, the more I thought about it, he’s right. When you manifest something in your soul, it becomes reality. If you think you’re a failure, you’re gonna act like one. And if you’re gonna think that you are successful, you will be. Mindset isn’t everything, but it’s half the battle.

It’s always an uphill battle when you’re bipolar, fighting these negative remarks, “You suck” “you’re a failure” “go die” “you’re better off dead than alive you POS.” According to my own brain, nothing I do is right. So if I can’t trust myself, who can I trust?

And that’s the hard thing to grasp. My own delusions make me not trust me, the real me, so it’s like how do I differentiate what’s real and what isn’t.

It is something I need to ponder over some more and if I figure out an answer, I’ll let ya’ll know.

In other news, I was given my grants for college back so that I can pay back my debt to my dad and make it before I get paid on the 10th. I am day 5 without gambling. Granted this will be harder when I get paid and will be tempted to go gamble but it is abundantly clear to me that I can’t live where I am living now and continue to gamble. Might even have to fork over my finances to prove accountability which I am less than thrilled about.. but what must be done, must be done.

Also in other news, I cleaned my room yesterday and I feel good about that. I sacrificed a homework day on my day off in order to make my bed, put clean sheets on picked everything up off of the floor, put all my clean clothes away and got rid of stuff I didn’t wear or was too small. I still need to do one more load of laundry and go through shoes I no longer need…. however, my room is a major improvement as to what it was before. I am talking piles of clothes and snacks on the bed and just random crap on the floor so I had to be strategic when it came to sleeping and walking to and from my closet.

My desk is still a wreck but that is a project for another day, Now I am at work It is my Monday morning at 11:21pm. and I am here until 7am. I figured I would finish this post and then go right into homework. I also need to redo my budget because I should be getting reimbursed for my grant money any minute now. With that being said, I must allocate every dime to its proper home or else. There is no room for failure now.

School is going well so far… granted, it’s only the second week but I feel good about it. I think it will be a good quarter. I took Monday and Tuesday off to clean and have some fun, but now that I am back to work for the week, it’s back to the books while I am up all night.

Just some midnight musings for you all…

Much love,

Dani