Losing it

I don’t even know how to begin this post I am so out of sync with my writing that nothing seems cohesive anymore. I am at work, it’s currently 5:07am and I have my head phones in blasting some music.

I have taken Xanax twice this week which is something I usually never do. I used to be prescribed Xanax and I have leftovers from when I had it. Once was on my trip where I needed to sleep after being awake for over 24 hours and then tonight at work. It makes me so tired but at least tired is better than suicidal or manic.

I was rejected again by a guy I really was fond of. He told me in person that he “wanted to be friends” and I started crying not so much because of that but my suicidal ideation was bad and that was like the last straw. He consoled me which just confused me more as in why would you hold me as I cry if you don’t want to date me. Granted he has two jobs and goes to school full time just like me but he doesn’t have time for a relationship… supposedly. I just don’t think he wants to date me and why would he?

I keep getting rejected by these people that I immediately fall for because it is someone who takes interest in me. I can’t be guarded and try to guard my heart because I am so empathetic so all the guys I date I empathize with and can like them for any slew of reasons. I am so beyond frustrated with myself because I can’t blame someone for not having a connection with me but I can be mad at me. And blame myself.

I want to date so badly because I don’t want to be alone. I know I should be alone but I haven’t been with anyone since last December as far as relationships go. I am doing all the right things and things are still falling apart. Maybe I need to quit my bitching and just focus on school. Or I need to get my head out of my ass and pull myself up by the boot straps and get over myself.

I am emotionally labile with my bipolar disorder and that definitely came across today or I guess yesterday the 14th. This guy and I were talking until 3am the night prior but then when I ran errands, I found something of his in my car so I had to meet up with him to give him the item. He was very appreciative and I was rather dismissive because my feelings are hurt. I think he cares about me I don’t know why if he already has a lot of friends why he would try to be my friend too. I know I am awesome but at the same time, I am also kind of the worst.

I mean, emotional lability isn’t a reason to act like a jackass however I was on the verge of. a psychotic episode and I have no way to describe it. I was having this out of body experience where every sentence I spoke I felt something different and I was irrationally angry for no reason. I didn’t want to see this guy I had been crying over him all morning because he hurt me; not intentionally he was just being honest and not try to lead me on…. but I was losing it.

I spent over $100 on weed and booze yesterday and I was drinking a little bit before he told me to meet him with his item before he had work. But then I figured I should go to the gym and get out this weird energy. So after I gave him his stuff back, I went to the gym. Ran walked for ten minutes, did the stair master for five minutes, and did the rowing machine for ten-fifteen minutes. It was short but I was nauseous from drinking bourbon prior to that. However, I felt like she hulk melting back down into human form because prior to my work out, I thought I was gonna have to admit myself into a mental hospital. I am serious that is how badly I felt!

I didn’t sleep at all before work and had three hours of sleep before my errands. I kind of have fake energy right now as I drink my Red Bull and sit here for the next hour and a half before my shift is over. I feel a little better after that Xanax I took at midnight. However I am getting anxious now sitting here writing this. School starts Monday and I still have to order my textbooks and do lots of stuff before I start my work study job. Speaking of that, I need to ask if my background check came through. Ugh.

Well pray for me, ya’ll because your girl needs it. Any positive encouragement in the comments section is always much appreciated.

Much love,

Dani

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