3am, up again

I have been up for the past hour doing nothing but scrolling through old photos and I found some decent ones of Diego and I. Part of me gets sad seeing how “happy” we were together but you can tell in the photos that there is a lot of pain in those photos as well. There was usually a fight or a minor comeback that was said prior to each of the “good” photos. He is not the man for me. I love him with all my heart, don’t get me wrong. But I think we are in the process of finding our own closure, whatever that may be. I don’t know if friendship can be in the cards for us without properly being able to move on.

Like he has been going out with work friends and I think a couple of the girls there like him (I have met them and they seem nice enough, I honestly don’t care). I keep telling him to pursue it but he is hesitant. I don’t know if he is waiting for me to get my shit together, but to tell you the truth, I am not waiting on him or anybody right now. I told Diego about me applying to that apartment and he was initially shocked, but supportive in a good way. Now today, or last night, he was like can you really swing it? But more in a mocking way, like you can’t get your own apartment. Which kind of just made me want to get it that much sooner and prove him wrong.

There are a lot of moving pieces when it comes to getting me an apartment but him second guessing my ability to move out on my own is not one of them. I told him I was coining the idea around and honestly I applied without even knowing if I qualified or not. I am still waiting to hear back but I will give the office a call tomorrow. So fingers crossed I could move in come September or October. But if it doesn’t happen now, that’s okay. It’s not like there is any type of rush at all. I think it is a good goal I am striving toward and can’t let the bastards getcha down.

My classes for college are going good so far, no missed deadlines yet. I feel like I haven’t studied nearly enough because I haven’t but with having the ‘rona virus, I am still out of commission. I tested positive today still so I can’t go back to work until Saturday night where I will work a 12 hour graveyard shift (if I feel better) and then I have training all next week. Honestly not looking forward to training because it will be harder to pull doubles or 12s working day shift but I may be able to pull a couple mid graveyard shifts. Gotta catch up on hours as I don’t think I have any sick leave quite yet. So I gotta make up for two whole weeks of lost time. Ay yi yi.

I have been slowly in the process of cleaning my room. I finally caught up on laundry and putting everything away and got some of the trash out but now I have to put clean sheets back on to my bed and still make use of my cluttered countertops for my desks. It’s kind of a daunting task because my desks have a lot of crap on them. Also, my interstitial cystitis has been flaring really bad with covid so I have been having all of these bladder and kidney pain issues which make it hard to get out of bed let alone stand and sort through shit. But I digress.

This is just your friendly Dani the blogger update because I am sure you all were curious about my life! Not! Well, maybe, I am not really sure.

Mental health is okay at the moment, no immediate suicidal ideation and or super negative thoughts. I feel like I slept pretty hard for like 2-3 hours but now I am wide awake and at least if I am writing, I am doing something productive with my time. I understand that the middle of the night is for sleeping but it’s just not in the cards right now.

Speaking of cards, it’s been over a month since I gambled last and that is a victory in my book. Most of my readers know I struggle with problem gambling, like, a lot. But I feel good today and can honestly say I have not been to the casino or bet anyone anything in over a month. I don’t know my sober date but I know I could find it on my credit card history from the last time I took out a cash advance. But I am afraid that might trigger me to go back out so I am gonna live in bliss for a hot minute and not worry about that right now. It’s also hard because now I get paid once a month and so I make a lot of money, all up front and one bad day can ruin the whole month for me if I let it. There really is no room for me to gamble at all because I always go back hungry for more and I can’t control myself, I just can’t it’s in the name of the addiction.

But I think me getting an apartment would be good because I am making more money now and instead of blowing my money on random shit, I can put that money toward my independence as I pay off debt. Having a lot of money on my person is just a bad thing for me. But if I put excess funds toward debt and bills and had my own space, I would budget better and maybe be happier having my own space.

My mom doesn’t want me to move out because she’ll be lonely without me. We do hang out a lot but I think it’s kinda created a little codependency from both of us. It’s nice having her here and it helps when I feel depressed to know that someone is always home. But at the same time, I am almost 25 years old I need to not live with my parents. And who knows? Maybe a gentleman caller will come around and say look at this girl with her own apartment, new car, good job, and is getting her shit together. Who knows? Because I certainly don’t know but then again, guys aren’t on the priority list right now. I am kind of over the dating scene and putting in effort that no one sees or appreciates.

Well I think that’s all I have to say for now… I love you all and thanks for reading my random ramblings.

Until next time.


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