It’s been a difficult week to say the least. I think I am getting a sore throat because of exhaustion. Usually if I am super fatigued, I start to feel like I am getting sick and now that’s exactly what is happening.

I have been doing a lot of painting at work. I think I have done two pieces and I am currently working on a third. I have been neglecting the blog because besides exhaustion, there’s not much to discuss. But I did get an email today from my new school about my transcripts were finally transferred over and I would be able to see how many classes I have left and all that.

My GPA at this school is just barely under a 3.3 so I am very pleased with that and about 55 credits transferred over from community college and university. I was trying to look into how many credits I had to graduate and the program that I am listed under is not social work; it was substance use disorder professional, which is a certificate. So I gotta ask my academic adviser what the deal is because I wanted to get my AA in addition to the certificate, but not just the certificate. Maybe there is no issue but I’d rather ask and be wrong and then not ask until it’s too late.

I am at work right now and I just lack motivation. I may or may not have dozed off a little bit on the couch. I was warm with my blanket and I was just dazed. I am working a ten hour shift tonight because swing shift had to leave early so I got in at 8pm and day shift *should* get here by 6am so I can go home. If all goes well, Thursday morning is my Friday night so *hopefully* I don’t have to come in on my days off because I am working everyday leading up to my family vacay. My cousin is getting married July 2nd and my whole family rented an Air BNB house in Oregon for it, so I am taking off July 1-3 and I definitely won’t be working then.

I have another hair appointment on next Thursday to dye my hair blond. I might cancel it I’m not sure but It would be nice for summer. So if I have blond hair next week, ya’ll know why.

I also called school about my financial aid but I had to leave a message so who knows when they will get back to me. I would like to start school come July 5th, but if I have to wait until the middle of September so be it. This wouldn’t be Dani’s world if there weren’t minor inconveniences that popped up all over the place.

Oh I know why my head hurts! I have been staring at my water bottle as I chug my 2 – 8.4 ounce Red Bull cans, but haven’t had any water or food. The one nice thing about this job is that it forces me to bring lunch or else I don’t eat. I brought a can of soup today, I think the creamy chicken noodle which I am actually super stoked to eat. I also drink hot herbal tea all night to help keep me warm. It actually hit 75 degrees in Western Washington State which means they had their portable air conditioner on all evening so I was still cold lol.

Good thing I brought my heater blanket. But that is also the culprit on why I may or may not have dozed off. I was so comfortable on the couch using that thing. But once I came to, I forced myself to go out in the cold and smoke. Well, force isn’t the right word, more like made myself go outside to wake up. I have no been sitting at the kitchen table so I can’t as easily doze off. Now I am writing because it’s been a hot minute and I miss all ya’ll!

I have a doctor’s appointment with my urologist tomorrow or I guess in a few hours at 9am…. I was supposed to get bladder botox to relief my UTI-like symptoms for my interstitial cystitis. But my insurance denied coverage so I have to go in tomorrow to see what other oral medication I can try. I am already on oxybutynin which is a bladder relaxant and it helps a little but I still have accidents I want to say at least three times a week where I can’t make it to the bathroom I gotta pee soooooo bad, It is embarrassing especially at 24 it would be one thing if I was 54 but I’m too young to wear adult diapers. I am not sure what my doctor will suggest because my insurance is being picky with what I can and can’t do.

But the insurance debacle is a whole story within itself. I keep trying to get insurance through whatever job I have and my dad tells me I have insurance until I am 26 so use his insurance. At first I am like great, I don’t have to pay out of pocket for insurance. However it is not great because at first I tried to get my MRI done for my left ankle because they thought I needed a fourth foot operation. DENIED. Then I said my sleep apnea is so bad and I can’t tolerate a cpap machine so I was scheduled to go across the water to get a consultation for sleep apnea surgery. DENIED. Now I needed bladder botox because there is nothing to help me and now that is DENIED.

I don’t understand the point of insurance if they don’t pay for shit. Stupid American health care system. And it is not just my insurance either, it’s all of them. Except for maybe medicare/medicaid which approves just about anything. I only know that working for my old mental health facility and I would have to authorize insurances via the ER nurse when asking to transfer clients to our facility. We always had rooms for those with medicare/medicaid because they always paid and there was never an insurance hold. Some insurances we didn’t even take because they never paid the company. But then others, similar to mine, would initially deny procedures or bed stays until “good enough reason” came around to change their minds.

I could rant for a long time about the idiocy of a lot of U.S. systems set in place to “help” the people. But I digress.

My mental health has been alright. Got a lot of sleep over the weekend and so I feel a lot better than I did. I have been having relatively small panic or anxiety attacks every day where it feels like it is hard to breathe and my chest gets stuck and my mind goes into a repetitive loop of bad thoughts. I haven’t had suicidal ideation in a couple days but I had a little anxiety at work and I had no hydroxyzine or Xanax to help me so I had to just doze off because it was the only thing I had in my power to get rid of it. And get this, the sleep helps. I am going to hit a brick wall here soon if I have to do much more of these graveyard shifts. It is so hard mentally, not physically but mentally for sure.

I can tell I feel and am kind of isolated from the rest of the world and I really don’t like that. I mean, I normally stay away from others anyway but I have the option to take to people at 3pm versus 3am, when everyone is sleeping. I usually try to text as much as possible before 1am to get my social interactions in so that I am fine being alone and quiet between 2-6am. I think school will be good for me because it will preoccupy my brain during the slow times of the shift. It gives me something to look forward to, like I get to complete my education! And as long as my WSU grants come through, I will get to complete my education without incurring more debt.

I had to login to my old WSU website for something and I noticed I received one more grant bringing the grand total to four grants given to me for basically being awesome. No, not really. Based on merit and grades, but mostly based on my application questions because I would like to say I can be a decent writer when I try. And that definitely is the reason why I received $17,000+ in grants for the school year. Now that is subject to change with attending a different school. I won’t need nearly that much money but if I got some extra to cover for books and whatnot, that would be sick. I don’t need book money but it would be nice to not have to pay for it and focus on paying off debt.

Well I think that is everything about everyone and everything.

much love,

Dani