The Loudness of Feelings

Don’t worry. If you thought I was stoned while writing that blog article title, then think no more!

I was incredibly stoned.

Now that I wrote it down to remember at a later date, I must utilize this post and the best of its potential.

I sit in the lair listening to the fan turn back and forth, back and forth. I hear the clicking of the MacBook Pro keys (if you know, you know). The MacBook Pro keyboard is second best to that of a mechanical keyboard, all of the ASMR without the assholiness.

My feelings are deafened today or at least on mute. Usually they are so loud and overwhelming that I act on the way I feel rather than on logic and reasoning. What did I do with my time today?

I spent the morning at Diego’s house with the dog laying beside me and Diego in the other room. The light just ever so slightly came through the blinds when I realized I had to get my fingerprints for the new job at 10am and it was now 9:12am. I took Poncho out to potty and it was mildly warm with a slight breeze. Clouds covered the sky but today was intended to be a good day.

I got ready and my fingerprints only took about five minutes so I drove home. Thoughts still silenced. I got home and relaxed in my room, took a nap, talked to my friend who was recently admitted into the hospital. Grabbed dinner with my mom and now back in the lair.

I have a song on repeat as I write this called Je te laisserai des mots by Patrick Watson which translates to I’ll leave you words. It is a beautiful, breathtaking, goose bump inducing song. My to do list is long and my energy is short but I don’t feel burdened or overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and suicidal ideation like I have been feeling the past few weeks without fail.

To be silent with you is a pleasure I no longer take for granted. Sitting in peace with my laptop and my phone silenced is where I want to be. I take that back. I got a call from Diego while he is at work and I want to be at his house with him and Ponchie boiiiiii, our beautiful houndy boy doggo. But I am taking advantage of not having a dog jump on me in my bed and low key tries to break my laptop.

I have made a decision about school and whatnot. I have decided to get my Associates of the Arts in Social Work at my local community college. I still need to reapply and get my credits transferred from Washington State University to this college but with three grants on the line, I know I will regret it if I don’t try to go back to school. There is a lot to be done but I am ready and looking forward to the future.

I guess my title to this blog is mildly misleading as it is more so the absence of loudness with feelings but oh well. I feel good and I am not letting anyone take away my happiness.

much love,


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