I have been feeding into my addiction of gambling. I think I have been to the casino 5 times since I blogged about my going and winning two jackpots about a week or so ago. But when I did the walk of shame after losing some money today, I see my mom’s car parked next to mine. I saw her leg getting out of the vehicle and I knew I was busted.

We haven’t spoken since driving home, all she asked was how much I lost and I said $200. That was a lie. But a more believable lie. I retorted that it was money that I have. I went upstairs when I got home and noticed she had been in my room since some books that she let me borrow were missing. So I went downstairs and gave her the phone that I had bought for her and said if she was gonna go in my room she could at least take all of her things. She argued with me that I am gonna get busted and that I am a “train wreck” that is going “90 mph toward a brick wall.” Ouch.

I went back upstairs and took a nap. She had to run an errand when I finally went back downstairs to eat. My dad and I had dinner together and he asked if I was gonna go back to Gambler’s Anonymous. Or if I was gonna quit on my own. I have quit on my own before… for a year and a half to be exact. But this is go time. This is different. I am fortunate enough not to be kicked out of the house, so I really need to respect their wishes. I am always going to want to gamble, no question about that. It’s now about controlling my desires and acting in a way that represents who I am as person, not who I was or according to my desires.

I am thinking about tabling school for the rest of this year and getting another job. I work full time at the pharmacy but pick up 20-30 hours elsewhere to help keep me out of trouble. I want to pay off my student loans and my loans from my parents and use those funds as a debt snowball to pay off consumer debt. I need to be responsible with my money and I like to shop and buy nice things but I really need to cut that out because buying shit in the first place is what got me in this mess in the first place (mess meaning debt…. a lot of debt at that).

I figure if I am tired all the time, all I will do with my spare time is sleep rather than shop or worse yet, gamble.

I feel okay otherwise though. I feel like work is going well. I keep taking my meds and my bipolar is as stable as it is ever going to be. Which I just recently have grown to accept that I will never feel normal; I will never be totally elated nor always depressed or feel normal right down the middle. My moods are always gonna fluctuate so I can accept the highs and the lows and the in betweens. I feel as though I have been more in the middle the past few months which is good, but I question when my moods will shift one way or the other.

I think that’s all I got for today. Sending you all good vibes and sending positive prayers your way. Feel free to like and comment below; I love hearing from you all.

I pray that tomorrow is better.

much love,

Dani