Of course the day after I make the huge decision to withdraw from my school program to complete a bachelor’s of science in psychology, I get an email from my school in regard to my financial aid for next school year. I had been waiting ever so patiently for this email because I had applied to a bunch of scholarships and grants.

Not only did I qualify for scholarships and grants, which I thought wasn’t possible due to my age (I am considered a dependent as far as financial aid goes). But since my dad is 65 years old (US age of retirement) I qualified as an independent adult and since I earn so little I received not one, but three different grants to cover the full total of my tuition, books, and costs of going to school online, living at home. This number is roughly over $15,000 that people have donated so kindly so that people like me can continue their education.

I had hundreds of people read my application which included an essay of me describing my hardships as a bipolar woman who chose to go back to school to give back to the community. I feel like a failure now that I won’t be completing my education. It would have been “free” to me, but I don’t feel like it is fair to anyone, including myself to accept 15k in grants if I am not doing my very best in school.

I guess there is the opportunity to go back next year but I don’t feel confident in my ability to continue on with my schooling and stick to it. I love working in the field of mental health, however, I have such a hard time completing the schooling and my follow through just isn’t there at this time. I wonder if I hadn’t had to move out of Diego’s in the first part of the semester if things would have been different. I can’t say it would.

I know I made the right decision because I just couldn’t successfully complete the semester. I don’t think having the knowledge that next year would be nearly or completely cost free to me would have changed anything. I do want to work toward new goals and dreams such as owning a condo or a townhome before the age of thirty, which gives me about six years to do. If I work up the management ladder I can not only reduce debt but buy my first home.

I don’t think me being 45k in debt it makes much sense to accrue five thousand in debt per semester each year for another three years and watch that number double or even triple for grad school to get my master’s in social work. I just don’t think the debt to income ratio is worth me going into that profession and I understand the the job is not just about a paycheck but includes my happiness. However, I am sad that enough people believed in me and pulled for me to get these grants and to get as far as I have and I’m now letting them down.

I am worried because I haven’t told my dad about this decision and I think he will be hurt by it. He’s sacrificed a lot to get me back into school and I am not sure how I am going to tell him that I withdrew from this semester. I think I might write him a letter. But it’s not going to be pretty whatever it is. Gotta come clean at some point…

much love,

Dani